Three Days and Three Nights

Three days and three nights...Tres Dias...or as some know it... Walk to Emmaus or...Cursillo. What ever the name, these weekends are a concentrated three days and nights of seeking to know and expereince Jesus in a deeper and fuller way.

I remember when a friend from Bible study shared with our class that she was going to a Walk to Emmaus weekend. Immediately my mind pictured her furiously walking up a hill completing some physical task that had spiritual implications. Funny how we can so quickly form opinions or ideas about a thing before we have any true concept of what it actually is. My friend came back radiant, but she didn't share a whole lot about the weekend. Good for her I thought - rather judgmentally.

A year or so later our good friends, Dave and Carrie Reid, attended a Tres Dias weekend in Birmingham. Fully expecting to hear about every detail of the weekend, I was sorely let down when Carrie rather tight-lipped said that it was good and eye-opening, but didn't expound on any of the details. How could she not share this with me...if it was so good then why didn't she tell me more?

They invited Brad and I to go to a Tres Dias weekend in the early Spring of 2003. At first I was really excited. Brad went without hesitation. The smile couldn't have been slapped off his face when he returned. Yet, once again...I couldn't find out any specifics about the weekend. Okay...what's going on here. Hardness was forming over my heart. The weekend I was once so eager to attend was now a thorn in my side. I was not going to go. Brad said I was. All the more reason for me to not want to go - rebellious and stubborn. He said there was no choice in the matter - he'd pack my bags for me, but I was GOING! Whew I was so mad that Thursday when I left for Tres Dias. I mean fuming mad!

Sitting by myself on the pew of the church where we all gathered before making our way to Pine Eden campground for the weekend retreat, I began to pray..."Lord give me a willing spirit...break this pride that has reared it's ugly head in my heart. I know You have a purpose for me being here, and I know that You have something for me to receive from You this weekend - I don't want to miss it - I don't want to miss You!" I didn't sleep much that first night and really just wanted to go home, but I knew in my spirit that God was there and had something to reveal.

The teachings I heard were really not anything new or different. While it all lined up with Scripture, there was an air of something deeper - a transparency in presentation - a vulnerability - an openeness that beckoned..."Go deeper with me, Jami...deeper..." I don't exactly know how or when or what happened, but by Sunday morning I was a glow with the Spirit of the Lord like I never had been before. (The smile couldn't have been slapped off my face either.) Something happened over the course of those three days and three nights that caused me to be immersed in the grace and love of Christ like I had never perceived before. God revealed Himself to me in a unique and special way over that weekend that has created in me a hunger and thirst and desire for more and more and more of Him.

I cannot share specifics. Not because I cannot, but because it would not benefit those who have not yet come on a Tres Dias. For instance, even though the 10 other ladies and I that attended my specific Tres Dias experienced all the same teachings, chapels, and meal times, we each received something totally different. We were all in different places in our walks with the Lord so in turn we all received something different that was unique to where we were and what we needed. It think that is what is so special about these weekends. While they are cookie-cutter in outline, they are anything but in application as the Spirit pours Himself out on each one present and willing and receptive.

Tres Dias is not an emotional experience - while many emotions may be experienced over the course of our 72 hours together - it is an experience with truth - capital T-Truth and little t-truth. It is a weekend that the walls come down and grace runs free. A weekend of unconditional love and accpetance no matter where you are or where you've been. A weekend of no expectations - just openness to what God wants to reveal.

Once I returned from my weekend, Brad and I were able to share the things we both experienced on our weekends and how they meant different things to each of us or how they ministered in similar ways to us both. Tres Dias has been an experience that has given us something we can share together - a unifying tool that we love to share with others.

Carrie and I (as well as other friends who have been to Tres Dias)have also been able to share. We have talked in great detail about every aspect and event of the weekend. It is so neat to hear about how God revealed different things to each one of us and has drwan us deeper into Himself as a result.

There is nothing exclusive about Tres Dias or any of these weekends - nothing secretive - nothing hidden. There is however much preparation and prayer given to each weekend and because of that these weekends are limited in the number of people who can attend each time. Humbled...I was so humbled the first time I served on a Tres Dias weekend. All the prayer and care that went into the weekend blew me away. And it's like that every time. Months and months of time given and preparations made and prayers lifted up in order that several hand-fulls of people may come and enjoy God's presence in a way not possible in the hustle-bustle busy-doing 21st century in which we live.

I love Tres Dias, but I love Jesus more. Tres Dias is merely a tool used mightly by God for the building up of HIS Church. Our lives have been enriched by our involvment with Tres Dias. We have not and will not ever place Tres Dias over our local church. It is for the building up of the local church that these 3-day movements were created. Tres Dias is an enhancement and compliment to the local church and should not ever be placed ahead of involvment with the local body.

Tres Dias is not sponsored by any one denomination, but made up of a governing "board" (Brad and I serve on our local community "board" called Secretariat)of Bible-believing, Christ-honoring men and women. You can read the Tres Dias statement of belief at www.tresdias.org by entering the site and clicking on the "Constitution" tab on left hand side of screen, scrolling down and clicking on 2.0 "purpose of Tres Dias and Statement of Belief."

We invite you to come on a Tres Dias weekend. Chattahoochee Valley Tres Dias which offers it's weekends at Pine Eden Campground in Hamilton, Georgia is the community that Brad and I are involved in. Each year our community has 4 weekends, 2 for the men and 2 for the women with one set of weekends in the fall and one set in the spring. April 3-6 (men) and April 10-13 (women) are the upcoming set of weekend for the spring. Just let us know and we can get you signed up and ready to go. It is an awesome weekend!

Pictures I couldn't insert in the other posts

Bo enjoyed his oreo cookie icecream pie. It is so hard for me to believe that he is already a year old - sitting at the big table - walking - saying ma...ma...da...da - eating big people food...it's crazy how fast time flies by. God teach us to number our days!

Bo's first birthday - Happy Birthday Bo!!! The Big ONE. I love that all my children were excited for Bo to celebrate his birthday...they helped put the candle in the pie and blow the candle out and remove the candle and get the gifts and open the gifts and play with the gifts...and all the while Madelyn was helping keep things calm - What a blessing!

The Old Lady in the Shoe and her peeps...Getting this picture taken was quite interesting if you could imagine...At a certain point in the picture taking process you really could care less if everyone if looking or smiling...this one turned out good though...and the Old Lady was happy about that!

Tuckered-out...Sara Joy had had all the excitment she could take for one morning. Notice the jamma's and bright white and pink Dora shoes! She is precious! I got a picture of her the other night sleeping on the kitchen floor...now that is TIRED!




Little man Bo getting in on all the Christmas action. He makes me laugh always smiling and getting into something. His laugh seems to get frozen in the flash of the camera...

I told you Sydney got enough make-up to last the rest of her natural life...Madelyn, Sydney and Sara Joy all "dolled" up. James took this picture. I had NO idea what they were doing in Madelyn's room. The girls LOVE...L-O-V-E the make-up!

James, AKA Brandon Cox. He and Riley would wear their AU uniforms 24/7 if they could! You should see them outside all playing ball together. It is a riot! He's actually a good kicker and puts a pretty spin on the ball when he passes it That was one of the things Brad said last night to James..."I am so thankful for James that I get to play football with him."

All the children on Christmas morning after the blitz...showing off their new "jamma's" (as Sara Joy calls them).
Aren't they so sweet and cute and handsome!

Riley's one request - SpongeBob hat...I have two other pictures that I will spare you of his SB umbrella and SB gloves. He was so SO EXCITED about the gifts!

This is the Year...

Just a few days before the new year rolled around I told Brad, "This is going to be the year. I just have a feeling about it." We were invited by a friend and his wife along with several other couples to cheer on the Auburn Tigers as they took on the Clemson Tigers in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl in Atlanta for New Year's Eve. What an adventure! Our whole crew had a blast! The highlight of the evening...seeing the winning play (Auburn crossing the end zone securing a win) from the eighth row on about the 20 yard line. Adrenaline, cheers, yelps, high-fives, flashing smiles and camera's...a night to remember. Leaving the game I looked at Brad again and said something to the effect..."2008 is the year." A friend overheard what I said and asked something like what did I mean or why. No definitive answer to give, just a smile and a confident reply that I just felt like 2008 is going to be a great year - an exciting year.

Exiting the last flight of stairs (that was an anxiety-packed few moments) in the Marta station, I overheard a teen-aged girl reply to her friend, "I don't know what I am doing tomorrow...Daddy, what (she had planned to ask her Dad what the aganda for the next day was, but looking around the girl noticed her Dad wasn't where he was when she last looked)...Where did Daddy go...he and Mama know what I've got planned even before I do." Then she asked her friend, "What time are you going to the movies?" Lost in contemplation over what this young girl said - I mean what she really said beyond the words she spoke, the noise around me went quiet. Her trust in her parents and reliance on them so strong that she didn't even give a second to thought what the plans for the next day would be; her parents had it all figured out. She wasn't anxious or concerned. What I heard her affirm through those few words..."I know that my Mom and Dad love me and have great plans for me what ever that may look like and I trust them with every day of my life."

I think that is a part of what I sense about 2008. I don't know what lies ahead. "Change" - the word keeps coming to mind. "New," "different," "unity;" all words that come to mind as I think about this new year. "Trust" - that's the biggy and I almost forgot it...Trust...do I so trust in my Dad that I can let go of the anxieties of today and worries of tomorrow and just live in today trusting that His plans for me are ALWAYS GOOD - no matter what that looks like. Honestly, I have to say that I don't know if I am there yet in experience - yet I can look back over the last 9 years as I have been walking with the Lord and see that He is fully Trust worthy and faithful. I know it as truth in my heart and in my head, but it is as if the two haven't fully meshed together. What's that all about????!!!!???

Bo is crying to get up from nap and since today is his birthday I guess I need to get the little fellow up so we can have a little family celebration marking his first year. Hold those thoughts and I'll be back to blogging sometime later in the week.

The Last of the Beginning...How this Shoe got so full.

In the post from earlier today there are pictures of the beginnings of all my little people. Realizing that they are not labeled I need to tell you who each of these sweet things is. From baby to oldest...First there is Bo. He will be celebrating his first birthday Januray 6, 2008...he won't really know what's going on...but we'll be having a party of some sort for him. Next, Sara Joy. She is 18 months old in this picture taken Fall 06 - precious! Then the mold-breaker - the one and only - Riley. He is 9 months old. This was one of the last professional pictures I had made of him until last Fall...he was so difficult...I would leave the photo store with jaws clenched and sweat beading over my top lip. I think that is why I don't have many early infant pictures of Sara Joy. Sydney, is that sweet little thing in the green/pastel plaid dress with flowers and bare feet. Memory not so good...but I think she was around a year old in this shot. Barely a grin on his face, next is James. This was taken when he was 6-9 months old. Both he and Riley in these posted pictures are wearing an outfit made by my sister-in-law, Tami. (She also made a sweet coming home gown for James after he was born, and all my children (aside from Madelyn) have worn it home from the hospital. Finally, my first, Madelyn. She was also between 9-12 months in this photo. I wanted to share baby photos with you since I am posting about our beginnings.

Sara Joy was a little - just barely - over a year old when I found out that I was expecting again. I kept this little tid-bit to myself for several weeks. Oh my...we are going to be like the Brady Bunch...six children...but even so I was thrilled. Children are indeed a blessing - the fruit of the womb, a reward. Brad took the news okay...(I made a comment the other night when some friends were over...one of the guys said to Brad, "Yeah, I haven't heard you saying much about this baby," (not Bo, but this baby, baby #7) I responded that Brad no lika da bebes. I was just kidding, but there was a hint of truth to that. He doesn't have any connection to our children in-utero and really doesn't bond with them until they are several weeks old...the first three months is always so HARD.) That was a long parenthetical statement...hope you were able to follow that. - It's just how my mind thinks...

I love the beach...we have some friends who have a condo in West Pananma City Beach who offered to let Brad and I go for a little R & R WITHOUT KIDS!!! Last August (I was about 4 mos preggo)Brad's Mom and Dad took the kids and we drove like mad to PCB. It was the first time we had been away overnight alone since I was pregnant with Sydney. AHHHHHHH!!! Peace and quiet - tranquility. Memories are flashing and spreading a smile across my face. Brad and I sat on the beach that first day and really connected...it was a little bit of paradise. He made a statement that day that will forever bring joy and thankfulness to my heart and tears to my eyes...Out in the gulf jumping over the waves, he said, "You know...six kids isn't really a lot...now eight that's a lot." This strong and handsome and wonderful man affirmed God's plans for our family and it brought this mother's heart great peace and contentment.

Growing up, I was under the impression that men didn't really love their children - they were a burden - and women who had lots of children were placing a large load on the shoulders of their men. Men did their duty, but it certainly wasn't out of love. That lie has been a hard one to overcome. That lie had colored my view of God for many years. Praise the Lord for His Truth that liberates.

Brad loves me and Brad loves - I mean LOVES - his children. What a blessing!

Brad got burned that first day at the beach...it was my fault...really...I didn't rub in the spray on sunscreen...Our time together was still memorable!

Bo - Robert Bradley - was born Januray 6, 2007...He was like a freight-train. For real...You think I am kidding...(I am chuckling at Carrie's statement about the blow-torch...what we woman go through - and by choice, mind you!) Whew! Natural delivery is my preference and obviously there is much pain involved, but he took the cake. The memories of his delivery haunted me for several weeks. Even now as I think about it I am getting nervous of the labor and delivery I have to go through with this sweet little girl.

Telling the whole story of how this latest pregnancy came about could be a bit emabarrassing so I will spare you that...some have heard and it gets a hardy laugh...I got pregnant around the first week of June 2007...the line was faint, but again...there it was. This time we literally didn't tell anyone (Okay, I did tell Carrie...) about this baby until I was busting at the seams. We just let people figure it out...

I can't tell you how many comments we get..."Do you know what causes that?" "No, really I don't - what - what causes that?" "Are you going to have more?" "Well... let me see when my husband and I figure that out we'll call you." "I didn't know you converted to Catholism." "Okay, I have no good come back for that one." "Trying to fill up that van aren't you?" (We bought a 15 passenger van in April of 2005 and LOVE IT!!!) "Yes, what a plausible reason to bring life into this world." No one means any harm by the comments they make...I know that, but it still gets old.

Push comes to shove...in the end...God is Sovereign over ALL things - even the womb. That's a hard one to grasp - not sure I have really grasped it yet. At this point I am asking, "Please Lord...please let this be the last one...but You know better than I." Why would I deny Him blessing me. I recently read (I think I read it at a quiverfull web-site.)...something to the effect...Children - the Bible calls them a blessing, yet we (our culture) run from it...Debt - the Bible calls it a curse, yet we (our culture) sign up for it. Profound...really...when you stop to ponder it...Children are a blessing.

So for now we are all squeezed into the 3bd/2ba "shoe" anticipating the arrival of this most recent blessing. It's the life God has called us to and for the most part we love it...

That's a little bit of how this shoe came to be so full - its' taken several days of posting to get it all out, but at last how we began has come to an end...thanks for letting me share with you...now that I have you all caught up I can post a little more in depth about the daily going's on in and around our "shoe," and just how this "old woman" manages.

Back to the Beginning

Before I get back to where I orginally left off...Brad and I chowing down on some Papa John's just after Riley was born...I need to share with you all something that gave pause for much consideration yesterday. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, is a daily devotional I like to read. Some days it doesn't happen, but on the days it does I am all the better for it. Yesterday was December 28...so I open my devo to Dec 28. Matthew 18 was the first thing I saw. Our Sunday school has just finished a study on the book of Matthew and I studied the book last year in CBS, so seeing Matthew 18 didn't excite me. To be honest I let out a sigh of disappointment - a heavy sigh. Almost as if I were saying...blah..., blah, blah..., blah, blah. My eyes quickly darted to the page on the left...Jeremiah 4:1..."If thou wilt return, O Israel, saith the Lord..." The title for the devo...this will make you laugh in light of what I have shared with you over the past couple of days...Where the Battle's Lost and Won. HA!

Chambers writes, "The battle is lost or won in the secret places of the will before God, never first in the external world. The Spirit of God apprehends me and I am obliged to get alone with God and fight the battle out before Him. Until this is done, I lose every time." The battle was raging and this Scripture along with devo cemented the fact that I needed to "get away" and have some quiet time. If you don't have a copy of this little devotional I highly recommend it. You can also read it on-line at www.myutmost.org .

Riley was to be my forever baby. Whew...the mold was broken with him. For those of you who know Riley...you know what I mean. Somewhere between James and Riley, the Lord convicted my heart of allowing Him to be in control of EVERY area of my life...and as you may have guessed...this did indeed include family size. Birth control...as I listened to that phrase play over and over in my mind I kept thinking..."What am I trying to control? Do I not trust God with and in everything?" Personal conviction - folks. Several years ago a friend in my Bible study class said, "Don't let your conviction become someone else's condemnation." Wise words...W-I-S-E...God convicted MY heart about this. Brad and I never really talked about it or discussed the matter at any length, we just let happen what was planned to happen.

So how did the desicion come about to have my tubes tied you ask...it wasn't my decision...but I was willing...but then when I heard that I couldn't eat and that the procedure would leave me feeling bloated and gassy...I was like...ummm, I think I'll pass. Sore subject for discussion around my house...really...so I offered up to him that he could have a vasectomy if he wanted to but I just couldn't do something that I felt so strongly against. Vasectomy...what man likes to hear those words...he wasn't too keen on that idea. Needless to say, God has taken care of the matter and we have learned to trust more and more.

Riley was a delighful baby - always a smile on his face...and those bright blue eyes...they sparkled with joy tinged with a little mischief. LOVE HIM! When he was about a year old my heart began to ache again for a fifth baby. Call me crazy, but I longed for another baby to hold and nurse. My best friend, Carrie...(Hey, Carrie!)found out she was pregnant with her fifth during the holidays or maybe it was right after the new year (2004). I actually went to the store and bought the test for her. I will never forget that day! Love, love, love a positive pregnancy test. :) It is life - God's gift. My heart so jumps for joy when I hear news of pregnancy.

To be honest I was a little jealous. Just after our Spring Tres Dias...(I'll have to post about Tres Dias.) I found out I was pregnant. The line was so faint I could barely make it out, but there it was...and I was dancing for joy! Normally we wait for as many weeks as we can to tell our news, but not this time. I told right away.

James kept telling me that he thought I was going to have two babies. "Two babies, Mama!" An ultrasound would answer that for me, so I scheduled an ultraound. Fully developing baby, just no heartbeat (May 5). A repeat ultrasound a few days later confirmed that the baby's heart had stopped beating - probably the very same day I went in for the first ultrasound. Why? Why was this happening to me? Oh, doctors will tell you it is natures way of taking care of genetic problems...malarky...God allows certain things to happen to certain people not only to draw them closer to His heart, but to give them expreiences that will better help them relate to others as means of reaching them for Him. Those who have suffered loss are better able to comfort those who are grieving. Those who have fallen are better able to come alongside someone who is stumbling. You get what I mean...God has His purposes and it amazes me that He chooses to use us to accomplish many of them.

May 17, 2004, I think it was a Monday night, around 7:00pm I took a couple of steps out the sunroom door and baby Rose passed out of my body. Earlier that afternoon the pain started. Fear and a little panic mixed with a myriad of other emotions set in. It was finally happening. Many mornings after the news of impending miscarriage I would wake only to fall to the floor begging and pleading for this life of this baby to be restored. My faith was strong - I have heard of even greater things done by the Lord, but God had even greater plans in store for me. My mother's heart had questioned..."Do I really love...am I really capable of loving my children - even the ones I have never seen or heald?" Never have I experienced such strong emotion - one of the many things I learned through this is that I am capable of loving immensely.

That summer the darkness began to settle over me. Was I going to break? Would this be how it would all come down? My mother has suffered from mental illness most of ther adult life and I have lived under that shadow for nearly as long. Something seemed broken - irrepairable - undone.

Late June 2004...another positive pregnancy test...are you kidding me...Is this some warped and twisted joke. I never, never, never wanted to be pregnant again. Never wanted to risk that loss again. Anger...God had His work cut out...I couldn't make sense out of anything I had studied or learned or claimed to know. Isn't that where God gives His greatest revelation? Recounting these events, I am again confounded by God's goodness and pursuing love. What can He reveal if we think we already know it all? ...don't bother God, I've got this...next lesson please..as if He were some hard school master thumping His ruler in His hand as He patrols the classroom. God is not a school master, but a Father who delights in training and teaching and revealing Himself to His children.

By mid-fall Brad and I were able to talk about this new baby. Sara Joy (Our princess who brings much joy) was born March 17, 2005. The transition was a little rough. I had trouble nursing and seemed stressed out ALL THE TIME! But, she was our joy. Although she cried and cried and cried the first few months of her life, her emerging personality labeled her quiet and observing and sweet...sweet as honey. I hear more than anything..."she is so quiet and sweet."

Duty calls...I have 4 little people needing my attention...so I must go for now. We'll begin again later today or tomorrow.

Light Dispells Darkness

John wrote, "...God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all...If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin." (1 John 1:5,7)

Light dispells darkness. Darkness seeks to distort and destroy. Light brings exposure and healing. Light brings life. In CBS (Community Bible Study) I have been studying through the book of Revelation. More than anything I am learning that God is Sovereign.

Sovereign. That word rings through my mind and takes me back to the first Sunday school class that Brad and I were involved in. Phil, our teacher, asked something to the effect..."What are some of God's characteristics?" "Sovereign." I don't remember anyone else's answer but that one. Over the years I have come to know God as many things: Faithful, True, Trustworthy, Powerful, Gracious, Merciful, but His Sovereignty had not captured me as it has until this study of the end of the ages.

The kids have a CD of Scripture put to music. One of the songs is a Psalm...I cannot remember at the moment which one...watch me though...by the end of this post I will have had to pause and take a detour to find out exactly where it is...can't help it...that's just the way God made me. (My Mom calls it the "need to know.")
Anyhoo...It goes something like this..."The eyes of the Lord are in everyplace keeping watch on the evil and the good." When I first heard it I was like "What???" What does it mean that the Lord is keeping watch over the evil and the good? Sovereignty. That's what it means. He is sovereign over all things. Yes, even the bad things. Ever read Job? Or what about Joseph's statement in Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." God dispells darkness with His light and uses even the darkness for His ultimate purposes.

Revelation 12...battle for power...good versus evil...light versus darkness...and the darkness was not strong enough and was hurled down. Thought provoking questions really get me going. Several struck me today in this study of Revelation 12:1-9 right where and when I needed them. Who is the dragon in chapter 12? What was his agenda? Why? What is his agenda in heaven? On earth? All answers can be found in this one chapter as well as many other places in Scripture. It wasn't anything I hadn't studied before. It was the timing - the appropriateness - the Holy Reminder of Truth.

The next set of questions turned to the Provision made for us. HOw has God provided for ur defense in our battle agaisnt satan? Oft times I "feel" unguarded, exposed, weak and vulnerable, yet Scripture assures me that I am secure in Christ. My study turned to a couple of passages in John 15-17 - excellent stuff! Liberating stuff! We have been left the Holy Spirit to teach us and remind us of the TRUTH. His Word is Truth and Jesus has prayed that we will be santified by this Word, this Truth, Himself. He alone is our protection. This last question packed the punch and brought all the madness to an end. What role does consistent Bible study play in this battle - spiritual warfare? My answer...chuckling to myself at God's goodness and timing I wrote...How appropriate that I read and study this today. Yesterday was one of the worst days in a long-long time. I have neglected God's word and fell victim to the enemies lies.

God in His goodness used whatever means necessary to bring my focus back towards Him. Was it part of His plan that I fall apart and loose all senses and self control and behave like a raving lunatic? Doubt it, but did He use it to accomplish His purposes? You bet! He is so good it confounds me.

LIGHT DISPELLS DARKNESS. I remember the words D Sunda spoke so authoritativly to me..."Jami, you have not been left orphaned...you are not an orphan...Jesus promised to never leave you...He is with you...you have not been left alone." WHAAAAAH~ That's my little victory chant...I think of Napolean Dynomite when he is tasting the milk at some 4-H challenge thingy....He guesses right and responds confidently..."Yesssssssss."

God shines His light and the darkness evaporates.

BTW...it wasn't a Psalm...remember...the song I was writing you about...the kids song...back up in the 4th paragraph...it is Proverbs 15:3.
You may also be wondering...whatever happened with Brad? I can't figure out how to say I am sorry. Sorry is one of those words that we way over-use. Yes, I am sorry, but at the same time the emotions that fueled the fire are still floating around inside. Sorry doesn't seem to bring resolution or finality or closure. Sorry acknowledges wrong-doing and can, with the right attitude of heart, usher in humility and brokeness, but usually sorry at our house brings an end to discussion without any conclusions drawn. (I am laughing to myself as a scene from Seinfled replays in my mind..."No soup for you...NEXT!") (I see all you closet Seinfeld re-run watchers reading this...your laughing, too!) How easily I digress - God is gracious to give a little comic relief!

So, yes, I am sorry, but for the moment I can't seem to find the words or actions to express that sorrow. The Holy Reminder comes and whipsers to me..."If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..." Fellowship...if I am walking in His light then my actions will lead to restoration of fellowship between Brad and I. Back to beginnings is next...I know I've been promising it for a couple of days...but this time I'm for real...really...

Darkness Falls on the Shoe

I share in the description of this blog, The Old Lady in the Shoe, that the purpose of this blog is to share about our family...happy times, sad times, and everything in between. Well, this post is a dark time...Reality check...it happens...have you ever had a dark day? Have you ever had thoughts that ran contrary to everything you know and believe and cling to? Today was one of those days for me. I share not to air dirty laundry, but to be real.

I woke up this morning knowing that it was going to be a bad day. Gloomy weather makes me want to pull the covers far, far over my head so that I can hide from myself. No one really wants to feel bad - no one really wants to give into those bad feelings - no one really wants to be dominated by emotion. It just happens. (Not really...but saying that seems to justify it somehow.) Unguarded and seemingly ignorant (yet knowing full well because it has happened so many times before), I caved into those monstrous self indulgent complaints; I want more...I deserve better...I am so discontent...nothing ever goes my way...no one appreciates me...I am worthless...always have been, always will be. One lie after another pounded my brain. I was left with a splitting headache and an image of a dark and decreped bitter nag of a hag taunting me, accusing me; "You are such a complainer you old woman...all you do is complain, complain, complain. Nothing is never good enough for you...can't you just be content with what you have, but no, you have to have it your way..."

What about your quiet time with the Lord you ask. ...what is that? Where has my desire to be with Him gone? Over the past few weeks my time spent in fellowship with Jesus has been little. Yet, I know in my heart that He is my life. The Scripture says that the one joined to the Lord is one is spirit with Him...my life is hid with God in Christ...I am an overcomer...I am secure in Him. I know this deep in my heart, but all disciplines of the Christian life have flown out the window. And, I can feel the reprocussions. I sense a dryness...a longing...yet I am refusing to get away by myself and pour it all out to Him. Darkness is falling today and I am allowing it to form a blanket over me. Is that wrong? Is that okay? I don't know....I don't know.

My Granny used to talk about "losing her religion." She would be upset about something and recounting the event tell me, "Jami, I just lost my religion." Even as I type thinking about her making such a statement causes me to chuckle a bit. My Granny is the sweetest, tenderest, most loving person I know. The thought of her "losing her religion" (i.e. getting angry or out of control)seems down-right impossible.

I lost my religion this morning. Dark thoughts, dark actions. My throat hurts from the screaming. Mind bombarded with instant replays of the scenes of total loss of control. My head is still aching and it's almost three o'clock in the afternoon. Where does it come from? How could such anger flame up. Thank God the kids were outside...curse the thought of them seeing me so given in to the darkness. Curse it! Seeing the darkeness makes me feel so ugly. I couldn't even bare to look at myself in the mirror.

Brad can't handle it...he'll push the buttons then run like mad leaving me in peices after the explosion. We lack the ability to effectively communicate. You want to know what I let loose over? I didn't know what his plans were in regards to selling our house. We had talked about and agreed that we would put our house on the market the first week or so of January. Celebrate Alabama, a large commercial development, is being built right in our backyard. We talked briefly about trying to sell to this company or another business that may want to capatilize off the development. Desperate to get out of this house (3bd/2ba with 6 children, a husband, and large hairy dog), anytime talk of doing something different comes up I immediately jump the gun and say to myself, "This is it...we're getting out." Dissappoinment always follows. Men just don't understand how important a cheerful, tidy, well-lit home is to women - especially those who are home 26 hours a day. There are days when I feel I will go stark raving mad in this home that feels more like a dungeon. Then I ask myself the question..."Is it just me?" "Is there something about me that is lacking or ungrateful or unreasonable?" Then I remind myself that none of it really matters in the long run...we have a place to live and that is what matters. In light of eternity, our time here is so short and to focus so much on material possessions is shallow.

I digress...back to what actually happened. Jami - "Can we talk?" Brad - "About what?" Jami - "Can we talk about something without you getting upset with me?" (Usually when we "talk" it's me telling him what I am not happy about and it usually has to do with him.) Brad - "What do you want to talk about?" Jami - "House plans." Brad - "There's nothing to discuss. It is basically up to what you like." Jami - "No, not actual house plans, but plans to sell the house." Brad - "Well, I guess I need to go by the bank and see what the possibilities are." Jami - "Could you go ahead and do that?" (He told me he needed to do that several weeks ago. When I ask him about stuff he tells me he needs to to or stuff I have asked him to do the response is usually - "I haven't had time." Yet...there is time for... I don't even use that excuse anymore - I can make the time for what is important to me or important to him.) Brad - "I was going to wait - most people aren't working due to the holidays." Jami - "Sure people are working...people in your line of business (Landscaping) may not be due to the holidays, but professionals don't have the choice of working or not." Brad - "Most people take vacation during this time - I was going to wait until after the new year when things settle down." By this point I am FUMING!!!!!!! Yet, remarkably under control - sweet voice and everyting. Bottom line...my agenda was not his agenda and I was mad about that. I feel like he misses opportunties to show me he loves me, because what is important to me just really ain't all that important to him...Do you know what I mean? Have you ever felt like that? Almost jilted...unimportant.

Just a few more verbal exchanges and before I knew it I was screaming and throwing Christmas cards and kicking storage boxes for the Christmas tree. Anger was pulsating and I felt completely out of control. I was - it wasn't just a feeling. Where does the darkness come from? And so quickly...raveging darkness...after it was all over I felt weak, physically unstable, quiet, ruined. I couldn't even cry. Shame. The kids came in a few minutes after Brad left and I could barely speak above a whisper. Run away...just run away...Lord, please help me. I don't understand. Why...I need You so desperately.

Cleaning is a stress-reliever. I got the kids to help me and we cleaned the house very, very peacefully. As I worked, the anger dissipated and sadness set in. Self-pity is the most feirce tool of the enemy. My children bring me back to reality...I have everything I need. I have been blessed beyond belief. Children themselves are reality checks. Self - pity, selfishness, self-indulgnece...no room for that here. There are little people to take care of...work to be done...movies to be watched...games to be played. Praise the Lord for the little people whose laughter fills the rooms of this "shoe."

Just now I kissed the fore-head of a 2-year-old who thinks she looks like Hannah Montana..."Mama, I wook wike Hannah Monnana don't I, Mama?" How can I stay locked up within myself when I have these precious little ones who need me so much? Journaling today's events has helped ease the discomfort of mind.

The darkness begins to lift, tomorrow will be another day, and I will eventually get to share the rest of the beginnings of our family.