Darkness Falls on the Shoe

I share in the description of this blog, The Old Lady in the Shoe, that the purpose of this blog is to share about our family...happy times, sad times, and everything in between. Well, this post is a dark time...Reality check...it happens...have you ever had a dark day? Have you ever had thoughts that ran contrary to everything you know and believe and cling to? Today was one of those days for me. I share not to air dirty laundry, but to be real.

I woke up this morning knowing that it was going to be a bad day. Gloomy weather makes me want to pull the covers far, far over my head so that I can hide from myself. No one really wants to feel bad - no one really wants to give into those bad feelings - no one really wants to be dominated by emotion. It just happens. (Not really...but saying that seems to justify it somehow.) Unguarded and seemingly ignorant (yet knowing full well because it has happened so many times before), I caved into those monstrous self indulgent complaints; I want more...I deserve better...I am so discontent...nothing ever goes my way...no one appreciates me...I am worthless...always have been, always will be. One lie after another pounded my brain. I was left with a splitting headache and an image of a dark and decreped bitter nag of a hag taunting me, accusing me; "You are such a complainer you old woman...all you do is complain, complain, complain. Nothing is never good enough for you...can't you just be content with what you have, but no, you have to have it your way..."

What about your quiet time with the Lord you ask. ...what is that? Where has my desire to be with Him gone? Over the past few weeks my time spent in fellowship with Jesus has been little. Yet, I know in my heart that He is my life. The Scripture says that the one joined to the Lord is one is spirit with Him...my life is hid with God in Christ...I am an overcomer...I am secure in Him. I know this deep in my heart, but all disciplines of the Christian life have flown out the window. And, I can feel the reprocussions. I sense a dryness...a longing...yet I am refusing to get away by myself and pour it all out to Him. Darkness is falling today and I am allowing it to form a blanket over me. Is that wrong? Is that okay? I don't know....I don't know.

My Granny used to talk about "losing her religion." She would be upset about something and recounting the event tell me, "Jami, I just lost my religion." Even as I type thinking about her making such a statement causes me to chuckle a bit. My Granny is the sweetest, tenderest, most loving person I know. The thought of her "losing her religion" (i.e. getting angry or out of control)seems down-right impossible.

I lost my religion this morning. Dark thoughts, dark actions. My throat hurts from the screaming. Mind bombarded with instant replays of the scenes of total loss of control. My head is still aching and it's almost three o'clock in the afternoon. Where does it come from? How could such anger flame up. Thank God the kids were outside...curse the thought of them seeing me so given in to the darkness. Curse it! Seeing the darkeness makes me feel so ugly. I couldn't even bare to look at myself in the mirror.

Brad can't handle it...he'll push the buttons then run like mad leaving me in peices after the explosion. We lack the ability to effectively communicate. You want to know what I let loose over? I didn't know what his plans were in regards to selling our house. We had talked about and agreed that we would put our house on the market the first week or so of January. Celebrate Alabama, a large commercial development, is being built right in our backyard. We talked briefly about trying to sell to this company or another business that may want to capatilize off the development. Desperate to get out of this house (3bd/2ba with 6 children, a husband, and large hairy dog), anytime talk of doing something different comes up I immediately jump the gun and say to myself, "This is it...we're getting out." Dissappoinment always follows. Men just don't understand how important a cheerful, tidy, well-lit home is to women - especially those who are home 26 hours a day. There are days when I feel I will go stark raving mad in this home that feels more like a dungeon. Then I ask myself the question..."Is it just me?" "Is there something about me that is lacking or ungrateful or unreasonable?" Then I remind myself that none of it really matters in the long run...we have a place to live and that is what matters. In light of eternity, our time here is so short and to focus so much on material possessions is shallow.

I digress...back to what actually happened. Jami - "Can we talk?" Brad - "About what?" Jami - "Can we talk about something without you getting upset with me?" (Usually when we "talk" it's me telling him what I am not happy about and it usually has to do with him.) Brad - "What do you want to talk about?" Jami - "House plans." Brad - "There's nothing to discuss. It is basically up to what you like." Jami - "No, not actual house plans, but plans to sell the house." Brad - "Well, I guess I need to go by the bank and see what the possibilities are." Jami - "Could you go ahead and do that?" (He told me he needed to do that several weeks ago. When I ask him about stuff he tells me he needs to to or stuff I have asked him to do the response is usually - "I haven't had time." Yet...there is time for... I don't even use that excuse anymore - I can make the time for what is important to me or important to him.) Brad - "I was going to wait - most people aren't working due to the holidays." Jami - "Sure people are working...people in your line of business (Landscaping) may not be due to the holidays, but professionals don't have the choice of working or not." Brad - "Most people take vacation during this time - I was going to wait until after the new year when things settle down." By this point I am FUMING!!!!!!! Yet, remarkably under control - sweet voice and everyting. Bottom line...my agenda was not his agenda and I was mad about that. I feel like he misses opportunties to show me he loves me, because what is important to me just really ain't all that important to him...Do you know what I mean? Have you ever felt like that? Almost jilted...unimportant.

Just a few more verbal exchanges and before I knew it I was screaming and throwing Christmas cards and kicking storage boxes for the Christmas tree. Anger was pulsating and I felt completely out of control. I was - it wasn't just a feeling. Where does the darkness come from? And so quickly...raveging darkness...after it was all over I felt weak, physically unstable, quiet, ruined. I couldn't even cry. Shame. The kids came in a few minutes after Brad left and I could barely speak above a whisper. Run away...just run away...Lord, please help me. I don't understand. Why...I need You so desperately.

Cleaning is a stress-reliever. I got the kids to help me and we cleaned the house very, very peacefully. As I worked, the anger dissipated and sadness set in. Self-pity is the most feirce tool of the enemy. My children bring me back to reality...I have everything I need. I have been blessed beyond belief. Children themselves are reality checks. Self - pity, selfishness, self-indulgnece...no room for that here. There are little people to take care of...work to be done...movies to be watched...games to be played. Praise the Lord for the little people whose laughter fills the rooms of this "shoe."

Just now I kissed the fore-head of a 2-year-old who thinks she looks like Hannah Montana..."Mama, I wook wike Hannah Monnana don't I, Mama?" How can I stay locked up within myself when I have these precious little ones who need me so much? Journaling today's events has helped ease the discomfort of mind.

The darkness begins to lift, tomorrow will be another day, and I will eventually get to share the rest of the beginnings of our family.