Before I get back to where I orginally left off...Brad and I chowing down on some Papa John's just after Riley was born...I need to share with you all something that gave pause for much consideration yesterday. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, is a daily devotional I like to read. Some days it doesn't happen, but on the days it does I am all the better for it. Yesterday was December 28...so I open my devo to Dec 28. Matthew 18 was the first thing I saw. Our Sunday school has just finished a study on the book of Matthew and I studied the book last year in CBS, so seeing Matthew 18 didn't excite me. To be honest I let out a sigh of disappointment - a heavy sigh. Almost as if I were saying...blah..., blah, blah..., blah, blah. My eyes quickly darted to the page on the left...Jeremiah 4:1..."If thou wilt return, O Israel, saith the Lord..." The title for the devo...this will make you laugh in light of what I have shared with you over the past couple of days...Where the Battle's Lost and Won. HA!
Chambers writes, "The battle is lost or won in the secret places of the will before God, never first in the external world. The Spirit of God apprehends me and I am obliged to get alone with God and fight the battle out before Him. Until this is done, I lose every time." The battle was raging and this Scripture along with devo cemented the fact that I needed to "get away" and have some quiet time. If you don't have a copy of this little devotional I highly recommend it. You can also read it on-line at www.myutmost.org .
Riley was to be my forever baby. Whew...the mold was broken with him. For those of you who know Riley...you know what I mean. Somewhere between James and Riley, the Lord convicted my heart of allowing Him to be in control of EVERY area of my life...and as you may have guessed...this did indeed include family size. Birth control...as I listened to that phrase play over and over in my mind I kept thinking..."What am I trying to control? Do I not trust God with and in everything?" Personal conviction - folks. Several years ago a friend in my Bible study class said, "Don't let your conviction become someone else's condemnation." Wise words...W-I-S-E...God convicted MY heart about this. Brad and I never really talked about it or discussed the matter at any length, we just let happen what was planned to happen.
So how did the desicion come about to have my tubes tied you ask...it wasn't my decision...but I was willing...but then when I heard that I couldn't eat and that the procedure would leave me feeling bloated and gassy...I was like...ummm, I think I'll pass. Sore subject for discussion around my house...really...so I offered up to him that he could have a vasectomy if he wanted to but I just couldn't do something that I felt so strongly against. Vasectomy...what man likes to hear those words...he wasn't too keen on that idea. Needless to say, God has taken care of the matter and we have learned to trust more and more.
Riley was a delighful baby - always a smile on his face...and those bright blue eyes...they sparkled with joy tinged with a little mischief. LOVE HIM! When he was about a year old my heart began to ache again for a fifth baby. Call me crazy, but I longed for another baby to hold and nurse. My best friend, Carrie...(Hey, Carrie!)found out she was pregnant with her fifth during the holidays or maybe it was right after the new year (2004). I actually went to the store and bought the test for her. I will never forget that day! Love, love, love a positive pregnancy test. :) It is life - God's gift. My heart so jumps for joy when I hear news of pregnancy.
To be honest I was a little jealous. Just after our Spring Tres Dias...(I'll have to post about Tres Dias.) I found out I was pregnant. The line was so faint I could barely make it out, but there it was...and I was dancing for joy! Normally we wait for as many weeks as we can to tell our news, but not this time. I told right away.
James kept telling me that he thought I was going to have two babies. "Two babies, Mama!" An ultrasound would answer that for me, so I scheduled an ultraound. Fully developing baby, just no heartbeat (May 5). A repeat ultrasound a few days later confirmed that the baby's heart had stopped beating - probably the very same day I went in for the first ultrasound. Why? Why was this happening to me? Oh, doctors will tell you it is natures way of taking care of genetic problems...malarky...God allows certain things to happen to certain people not only to draw them closer to His heart, but to give them expreiences that will better help them relate to others as means of reaching them for Him. Those who have suffered loss are better able to comfort those who are grieving. Those who have fallen are better able to come alongside someone who is stumbling. You get what I mean...God has His purposes and it amazes me that He chooses to use us to accomplish many of them.
May 17, 2004, I think it was a Monday night, around 7:00pm I took a couple of steps out the sunroom door and baby Rose passed out of my body. Earlier that afternoon the pain started. Fear and a little panic mixed with a myriad of other emotions set in. It was finally happening. Many mornings after the news of impending miscarriage I would wake only to fall to the floor begging and pleading for this life of this baby to be restored. My faith was strong - I have heard of even greater things done by the Lord, but God had even greater plans in store for me. My mother's heart had questioned..."Do I really love...am I really capable of loving my children - even the ones I have never seen or heald?" Never have I experienced such strong emotion - one of the many things I learned through this is that I am capable of loving immensely.
That summer the darkness began to settle over me. Was I going to break? Would this be how it would all come down? My mother has suffered from mental illness most of ther adult life and I have lived under that shadow for nearly as long. Something seemed broken - irrepairable - undone.
Late June 2004...another positive pregnancy test...are you kidding me...Is this some warped and twisted joke. I never, never, never wanted to be pregnant again. Never wanted to risk that loss again. Anger...God had His work cut out...I couldn't make sense out of anything I had studied or learned or claimed to know. Isn't that where God gives His greatest revelation? Recounting these events, I am again confounded by God's goodness and pursuing love. What can He reveal if we think we already know it all? ...don't bother God, I've got this...next lesson please..as if He were some hard school master thumping His ruler in His hand as He patrols the classroom. God is not a school master, but a Father who delights in training and teaching and revealing Himself to His children.
By mid-fall Brad and I were able to talk about this new baby. Sara Joy (Our princess who brings much joy) was born March 17, 2005. The transition was a little rough. I had trouble nursing and seemed stressed out ALL THE TIME! But, she was our joy. Although she cried and cried and cried the first few months of her life, her emerging personality labeled her quiet and observing and sweet...sweet as honey. I hear more than anything..."she is so quiet and sweet."
Duty calls...I have 4 little people needing my attention...so I must go for now. We'll begin again later today or tomorrow.
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