Fear Not!

A lifetime ago I was a huge Cranberries fan; the Celtic folk rock tunes of Delores O'Riordan and crew soothed my soul and stirred my inner artist. One song in-particular grabbed me.
Dreams - Cranberries
Click and listen if you like...I've got you singing along now...don't I; nothing like a little trek down memory lane. ;)

A while back I was spinning the ole' dial and this tune caught my ear. In seconds I was belting it out - even all the …Ah, la da ah...La’s. In my mind I was cruising the roads (in a convertible, no doubt), hair blowing in the wind, not a care in the world.  Feel good music that song is; funny how music transports us so quickly to another time...another place...another perspective.

One line reverberated through my mind for days; "Now I tell you openly you have my heart so don't hurt me..."  That one line...such raw transparency...such vulnerability elicited a pretty powerful emotional response from deep within.

From an early age, the lens through which I viewed myself and the world around me was smudged with rejection (both real and perceived). Wearing smudged glasses produces clouded vision…clouded vision is crippling.  For years, I limped around perceiving rejection at every turn…every decision informed by incorrect estimations…before long I was in some deep shout-it-out; all kinds of self-destructive behaviors dominated my life.  My life was at best a mess – at worst a complete failure.

But God (two of my favorite words), met me in my hurt; lifted me out the miry clay; and let me know I was worth it to Him.  Relinquishing my life to Him brought freedom and hope.  Over time, I grew in my relationship with Him; yet relationally (with others) something was not quite right…I found myself insecure, self-conscious and uptight.  What was that all about?

Answers can be found just about anywhere. (Reminds me of a Grateful Dead lyric…”Sometimes you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.” I digress…) Hearing, Dreams, with “older, wiser” ears  came sort of as an answer - “You have my heart so don’t hurt me…” it dawned on me…this had been the cry of my soul most of my life.  “Fearful” is not how I would have described myself.  Yet, suddenly I saw it so clearly; my internalized hurt and rejection had morphed into fear…fear of future hurt and rejection…fear of things that may or may not ever happen… leading to continual self-assessment...never quite comfortable with myself; never quite comfortable with others.

On a deeper level I was awakened to the reality that I was making that same appeal to God – “Oh God, You have my heart…please don’t hurt me.”  If you’ve ever experienced any sort of disappointment or loss then you know what I am conveying here; anguish of soul; a deep longing to know that our hearts are safe – that God is good and can be trusted with everything – even in the hurt – even when life has been turned on its head.

Unknowingly, I was projecting onto God past hurts and rejections...fearing that He would respond likewise. Never would I have acknowledged that with my mouth, but as I considered my behavior that's exactly what I was doing. Blaise Pascal once wrote: "God made man in his own image and man returned the compliment."  Ouch!  My mind was divided, because my vision of God was clouded. I didn’t fully trust His love; I feared that He was not really who He claimed to be. Out of fear came the inclination to protect myself. Self-protection is an obstacle to receiving love which keeps the cycle of fear spinning. 

Yet, God’s word proclaims, “Perfect love drives out fear.”  It is His perfect love that melts away fear. His love drew me in. I allowed His perfect love to fill me. Letting go of my own understanding and past experiences, I came to a place of perfect rest and complete security.  Ahhhh!

It wasn’t a one-time fix, though.  All too often I forgo His love allowing fear to drive me…crazy.  Yet, all it takes is one glance His way…hearing Him whisper the truth, “My love will take care of your fear; I love you, let Me love you” and all is right. He has my heart and I know He won’t hurt it.  My anxious heart is calmed.

Once again…I am cruising the freeway (in a convertible no doubt), hair blowing in the wind, not a care in the world, song of praise on my lips…and in the rear view mirror - seven passengers giggling.   Ah, da, da da da, da, la...

A Re-Telling of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15)

Once upon a time, there lived a King in a majestic land.  Noble and fine, this king was generous and good to all he knew.  His two daughters - princesses - lived in the court of the King.  One day his youngest princess approached, "Father King, present to me the share of your goods that belong to me."  So, the good and noble King divided everything he had between his two princesses. He gave them his life, his resources and his wealth.  Now, the young princess was very satisfied with what she received - so much so that she gathered all she owned and left the kingdom for a far away land.   

During this time, far away from the comfort and safety of the kingdom, she wasted all her Father King had freely given to her.  She lived in reckless abandon and great excess.  A dreadful famine fell over this distant land and before long, everything she had was gone. Suffering tremendous deprivation, the young princess ached and longed for all the good things she once had...everything she had been graciously given by the King; her Father. 

 

Desperate and broken, her mind was filled with the deepest sense of failure, shame and lack.  The only solution she could see was to hire herself out as a servant to a master of a farm.  This master was no King; this master shooed her away to feed his pigs and neglected to care for her most basic needs.  But the young princess steadfastly gave herself to her work.  Day after day she labored and labored.  The luxuries of the castle were a distant memory; so far removed from her mind that she forgot who she was - a princess.  Perceiving herself as nothing more than a servant girl, she longed to feed herself with the slop of the pigs.  Relief could be found no where; there was no one willing to give her reprieve.   The young princess once so eager to break away from her Father the King had become disillusioned by the world and stripped of all selfish ambition. 
 
One day the fair maiden was awakened - it was as if her mind was opened for the first time to all she had been given and all she had forsaken.  Her thoughts returned to the kingdom, "My Father has many hired servants in his kingdom and they are well taken care of while I am slaving away and starving to death."  The young princess orchestrated her return.  "I will return to the kingdom and tell my Father, the King how wrong I was."   I will plead with him, crying, "Please, Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you.  I know that I am not worthy to be your princess any longer - please hire me and I will serve you well."  Determined to earn her way back into the kingdom, the young princess set out for home. 
 
Meanwhile, the King had been struck with grief over the loss of his young princess.  Every afternoon he stood out on the watch-tower canvasing the land hoping with all his heart to see His young princess coming back home.  Most kings would have considered such a wayward child "dead," but not this King.  This King was able to look past the hurt inflicted on his heart.  His love was strong; stronger than any offense and much more powerful than any sense of justice he would gain by turning away from his youngest princess by cutting her off from his kingdom. Her place in his heart was secure.  This was clearly seen by everyone, day after day, as He paced in eager expectation of her return.  
 
Then one day - one fine day - through strained eyes, the King caught a glimpse of what he was certain was the young princess.  Without a moments’ hesitation he girded his regal robes around his waste and ran swiftly and certain toward his princess. No sense of royal duty restrained him; no sense of position or authority held him back.   His love for his princess could not be contained.  Weary and tired, the young princess fell into the strong arms of her Father King.  He grasped her weak body and held her close, weeping for joy over her return. 
 
Shame covered the young princess.  Pulling away from her Father she pleaded, "Oh, King, I have hurt you.  I have sinned against heaven and before you...I am no longer worthy to be your princess...if you only knew where I have been and what I have done..." She could not even bring herself to look the King in the eye.  Gently, the good and noble King cupped the burdened face of His daughter and lifted her head.  He looked into her questioning eyes and instantly, she knew His love.  Her Father's love covered her shame and commanded her guilt to leave.  His love restored the young princess to her rightful position within the kingdom.  She refused to resist his love again.  Seeing her Father for the King He was, the young princess embraced His love.
 
"My daughter, my princess, has come home.  This child of mine was dead and now she is alive; she was lost and now she is found.  Cover her with the royal robes, place a ring on her finger, sandals on her feet and prepare the fattened calf for we are going to celebrate," the King jubilantly proclaimed to his servants.  What followed was a lively celebration complete with music and dancing.
 
On her way back home from the fields, the elder princess heard the festivities.  Perplexed, she summoned one of the servants and inquired, "It sounds like a party, what seems to be going on?"  The ensuing answer incited anger deep from within the princess.  "My lady, your sister has come home. Your Father, the King, has killed the fattened calf because he has her back home, safe and sound."  She could not understand how her Father could be so eager to welcome his wayward and rebellious daughter back home, much less how he could throw her a celebration worthy of the fattened calf.   The princesses lack of knowing her Father's heart prevented her from rejoicing with Him; bitterness refused to allow her to take part. 
 
"Come and join in my joy, my daughter," the King pleaded,  "for your sister has been restored."  Dissuaded, the princess answered her Father, "I have been with you all this time - serving you and obeying you in every way.  Yet, you never once gave me even a young goat that I may celebrate with my friends. But when this daughter of yours who devoured your livelihood in unspeakable ways comes home, you slaughtered the prized calf.  How could you?"
 
"My daughter," her father affectionately replied, "You are always with me and everything I have is yours.  I have never withheld anything from you.  Don't you understand, we had to celebrate - you and I, need to celebrate, for this is your sister.  I thought she was dead but she is alive.  She was lost, but now she is home."

Questions to ponder:  "Are you at home with God's love?  Have you joined in the unwarranted, unmerited celebration of His love for you...or are you still out in the "fields" as the dutiful daughter?"

Books to consider:  Experiencing Father's Embrace by Jack Frost, The Power of the Blood Covenant by Malcolm Smith, Abba's Child by Brennan Manning, The Rest of the Gospel by Dan Stone

El Numero Ocho

I could have typed "Number Eight." Matter of fact, I did. Then I thought to myself, "El Numero Ocho sounds so much better." Ha! Makes me chuckle on the inside.

Last fall, Brad and I were in a small group. The opening session began with an ice-breaker: "What is your greatest fear?" So we start going around the room and hear all the standard answers - some funny, some somber. Then Brad's up...I am bracing myself, memory jolted back to the very first ice-breaker we played as a couple; "3 Truths and a Tall Tale." Each person writes down three things about him/herself that are true and one thing that is false. Then the rest of the group tries to guess what is false. His tall tale was that he had a wooden leg...No one really knew us so you could imagine it was a bit confusing. Surely he wouldn't use something like that as the lie about himself! Even after he shared that he did not have a wooden leg, several people (we found out much later) were convinced he did and would try and catch glimpses of it whenever possible.  Brad is a very whitty man!

So back to the "Greatest Fear..."
Everyone is looking Brad's way expecting another standard answer. Oh no, not Brad, nothing is typical with him! His answer..."Number eight." Genious. But there again, not many people in the group knew us. A little explanation was given...we have seven children...number 8... yada-yada...and the ice was definately broken. I love moments like that...moments that are forever sealed into the ole' memory box.

Well, as you might have already figured out (could it have been the ultrasound pic that gave it away?!?) Brad's greatest fear became a reality this past October when I found out that I didn't ovulate between days 12 and 14 which is standard, but day 17 and voila - preggo. Who'd thunk? Accidental impregnation was my first thought...this really shouldn't have happened! Can anyone say overwhelmed?!?  I now know that is completely possible to be completely terrified and completely excited all at the same time. After the initial emotional reaction, I settled down into the truth: God is the giver of life...this is no accident to Him. He has chosen, once again, to entrust us with His gift of life.

(Can you tell this little one is doing a somersault?)

If we've come to know anything about our Great God it's this: He is sovereign and we can trust Him in everything He does. Really over the years we've come to know much more than that, but over and over again He calls us to trust Him. How can we really know that we trust Him until we've lost all means of providing for ourselves and managing on our own?

I think there comes a time for us all when the Lord brings or allows things into our lives that reveal just how much we rely on self, and just how much we fear displeasing our Father. The path God calls us (all of us) down is so far out of our ability to handle - so far beyond our control. He knows that - He actually set it up that way (Acts 17:24-28)...but for some reason we (all of us, Christians especially) have bought into the lie that we can do it, we're expected to do it (and get it right), and if we fail along the way God is dissappointed. That's a harsh accusation against our loving and holy Father; the One who created us and loved us with such love that He gave the life of His one and only Son to rescue us all from the bonds of sin and fate of hell.

Writing this reminds me of the prodigal's older brother. Read the story in Luke if you have time. Whoa! I have found myself both the prodigal and the disgruntled son. But, praise Jesus! He loves me too much (and you too) to leave us with faulty perceptions of who HE is and what He expects. I've been asking a lot of questions over the past ten years. And...to my delight (and freedom)...He is answering. It's amazing what we gain when we come to Him and His Word not to find the right answer, but to find Him!

So...all that to say...our greatest "fear" has become a great delight! What fear do you have today that God is asking you to entrust to Him so He can turn it into a delight? He'll do it...He longs to do it...go ahead...trust Him and see what happens!

(BTW - the official estimated date of arrival for our son is June 30, 2010)

Blessings and love from the Sims family!