The Old Lady in the Shoe

A Re-Telling of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15)

2010-10-01T09:58:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, there lived a King in a majestic land. Noble and fine, this king was generous and good to all he knew. His two daughters - princesses - lived in the court of the King. One day his youngest princess approached, "Father King, present to me the share of your goods that belong to me." So, the good and noble King divided everything he had between his two princesses. He gave them his life, his resources and his wealth. Now, the young princess was very satisfied with what she received - so much so that she gathered all she owned and left the kingdom for a far away land.

During this time, far away from the comfort and safety of the kingdom, she wasted all her Father King had freely given to her. She lived in reckless abandon and great excess. A dreadful famine fell over this distant land and before long, everything she had was gone. Suffering tremendous deprivation, the young princess ached and longed for all the good things she once had...everything she had been graciously given by the King; her Father.

Desperate and broken, her mind was filled with the deepest sense of failure, shame and lack. The only solution she could see was to hire herself out as a servant to a master of a farm. This master was no King; this master shooed her away to feed his pigs and neglected to care for her most basic needs. But the young princess steadfastly gave herself to her work. Day after day she labored and labored. The luxuries of the castle were a distant memory; so far removed from her mind that she forgot who she was - a princess. Perceiving herself as nothing more than a servant girl, she longed to feed herself with the slop of the pigs. Relief could be found no where; there was no one willing to give her reprieve.   The young princess once so eager to break away from her Father the King had become disillusioned by the world and stripped of all selfish ambition.

One day the fair maiden was awakened - it was as if her mind was opened for the first time to all she had been given and all she had forsaken. Her thoughts returned to the kingdom, "My Father has many hired servants in his kingdom and they are well taken care of while I am slaving away and starving to death." The young princess orchestrated her return. "I will return to the kingdom and tell my Father, the King how wrong I was."   I will plead with him, crying, "Please, Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I know that I am not worthy to be your princess any longer - please hire me and I will serve you well." Determined to earn her way back into the kingdom, the young princess set out for home.

Meanwhile, the King had been struck with grief over the loss of his young princess. Every afternoon he stood out on the watch-tower canvasing the land hoping with all his heart to see His young princess coming back home. Most kings would have considered such a wayward child "dead," but not this King. This King was able to look past the hurt inflicted on his heart. His love was strong; stronger than any offense and much more powerful than any sense of justice he would gain by turning away from his youngest princess by cutting her off from his kingdom. Her place in his heart was secure. This was clearly seen by everyone, day after day, as He paced in eager expectation of her return.

Then one day - one fine day - through strained eyes, the King caught a glimpse of what he was certain was the young princess. Without a moments’ hesitation he girded his regal robes around his waste and ran swiftly and certain toward his princess. No sense of royal duty restrained him; no sense of position or authority held him back.   His love for his princess could not be contained. Weary and tired, the young princess fell into the strong arms of her Father King. He grasped her weak body and held her close, weeping for joy over her return.

Shame covered the young princess. Pulling away from her Father she pleaded, "Oh, King, I have hurt you. I have sinned against heaven and before you...I am no longer worthy to be your princess...if you only knew where I have been and what I have done..." She could not even bring herself to look the King in the eye. Gently, the good and noble King cupped the burdened face of His daughter and lifted her head. He looked into her questioning eyes and instantly, she knew His love. Her Father's love covered her shame and commanded her guilt to leave. His love restored the young princess to her rightful position within the kingdom. She refused to resist his love again. Seeing her Father for the King He was, the young princess embraced His love.

"My daughter, my princess, has come home. This child of mine was dead and now she is alive; she was lost and now she is found. Cover her with the royal robes, place a ring on her finger, sandals on her feet and prepare the fattened calf for we are going to celebrate," the King jubilantly proclaimed to his servants. What followed was a lively celebration complete with music and dancing.

On her way back home from the fields, the elder princess heard the festivities. Perplexed, she summoned one of the servants and inquired, "It sounds like a party, what seems to be going on?" The ensuing answer incited anger deep from within the princess. "My lady, your sister has come home. Your Father, the King, has killed the fattened calf because he has her back home, safe and sound." She could not understand how her Father could be so eager to welcome his wayward and rebellious daughter back home, much less how he could throw her a celebration worthy of the fattened calf.   The princesses lack of knowing her Father's heart prevented her from rejoicing with Him; bitterness refused to allow her to take part.

"Come and join in my joy, my daughter," the King pleaded, "for your sister has been restored." Dissuaded, the princess answered her Father, "I have been with you all this time - serving you and obeying you in every way. Yet, you never once gave me even a young goat that I may celebrate with my friends. But when this daughter of yours who devoured your livelihood in unspeakable ways comes home, you slaughtered the prized calf. How could you?"

"My daughter," her father affectionately replied, "You are always with me and everything I have is yours. I have never withheld anything from you. Don't you understand, we had to celebrate - you and I, need to celebrate, for this is your sister. I thought she was dead but she is alive. She was lost, but now she is home."

Questions to ponder: "Are you at home with God's love? Have you joined in the unwarranted, unmerited celebration of His love for you...or are you still out in the "fields" as the dutiful daughter?"

Books to consider: Experiencing Father's Embrace by Jack Frost, The Power of the Blood Covenant by Malcolm Smith, Abba's Child by Brennan Manning, The Rest of the Gospel by Dan Stone

El Numero Ocho

2010-01-21T14:07:00.002-06:00

I could have typed "Number Eight." Matter of fact, I did. Then I thought to myself, "El Numero Ocho sounds so much better." Ha! Makes me chuckle on the inside.

Last fall, Brad and I were in a small group. The opening session began with an ice-breaker: "What is your greatest fear?" So we start going around the room and hear all the standard answers - some funny, some somber. Then Brad's up...I am bracing myself, memory jolted back to the very first ice-breaker we played as a couple; "3 Truths and a Tall Tale." Each person writes down three things about him/herself that are true and one thing that is false. Then the rest of the group tries to guess what is false. His tall tale was that he had a wooden leg...No one really knew us so you could imagine it was a bit confusing. Surely he wouldn't use something like that as the lie about himself! Even after he shared that he did not have a wooden leg, several people (we found out much later) were convinced he did and would try and catch glimpses of it whenever possible. Brad is a very whitty man!

So back to the "Greatest Fear..."
Everyone is looking Brad's way expecting another standard answer. Oh no, not Brad, nothing is typical with him! His answer..."Number eight." Genious. But there again, not many people in the group knew us. A little explanation was given...we have seven children...number 8... yada-yada...and the ice was definately broken. I love moments like that...moments that are forever sealed into the ole' memory box.

Well, as you might have already figured out (could it have been the ultrasound pic that gave it away?!?) Brad's greatest fear became a reality this past October when I found out that I didn't ovulate between days 12 and 14 which is standard, but day 17 and voila - preggo. Who'd thunk? Accidental impregnation was my first thought...this really shouldn't have happened! Can anyone say overwhelmed?!? I now know that is completely possible to be completely terrified and completely excited all at the same time. After the initial emotional reaction, I settled down into the truth: God is the giver of life...this is no accident to Him. He has chosen, once again, to entrust us with His gift of life.

(Can you tell this little one is doing a somersault?)

If we've come to know anything about our Great God it's this: He is sovereign and we can trust Him in everything He does. Really over the years we've come to know much more than that, but over and over again He calls us to trust Him. How can we really know that we trust Him until we've lost all means of providing for ourselves and managing on our own?

I think there comes a time for us all when the Lord brings or allows things into our lives that reveal just how much we rely on self, and just how much we fear displeasing our Father. The path God calls us (all of us) down is so far out of our ability to handle - so far beyond our control. He knows that - He actually set it up that way (Acts 17:24-28)...but for some reason we (all of us, Christians especially) have bought into the lie that we can do it, we're expected to do it (and get it right), and if we fail along the way God is dissappointed. That's a harsh accusation against our loving and holy Father; the One who created us and loved us with such love that He gave the life of His one and only Son to rescue us all from the bonds of sin and fate of hell.

Writing this reminds me of the prodigal's older brother. Read the story in Luke if you have time. Whoa! I have found myself both the prodigal and the disgruntled son. But, praise Jesus! He loves me too much (and you too) to leave us with faulty perceptions of who HE is and what He expects. I've been asking a lot of questions over the past ten years. And...to my delight (and freedom)...He is answering. It's amazing what we gain when we come to Him and His Word not to find the right answer, but to find Him!

So...all that to say...our greatest "fear" has become a great delight! What fear do you have today that God is asking you to entrust to Him so He can turn it into a delight? He'll do it...He longs to do it...go ahead...trust Him and see what happens!

(BTW - the official estimated date of arrival for our son is June 30, 2010)

Blessings and love from the Sims family!

2009 In The Shoe - Pictures and Ponderings

2010-01-05T20:46:00.001-06:00

I forgot how stinkin' long it takes for pictures to upload...and it's Html so it will take me some time to remember and tinker with to get the pics and text ordered the way I want them...until then...I guess this will just have to do. More pictures are coming...Yeah...so...2009...where do I begin...January would be a good place! What do I remember about January...desperation...lots of prayer...lots of fasting...lots of beans and rice.

Brad's shoe has been turned in a new direction. God began preparing this pathway many years ago. Several key things happened in 2008 that made him realize - yes - this is what God has for me - it's not just me dreaming this up. So we prayed and watched and waited and prayed and watched and waited...and prayed and watched and waited...and lo and behold...we saw God working in extraordinary ways to bring this dream into the beginning stages of it becoming a reality. Custom Landscaping went belly up, the Woodyard is just now breaking into the black, and the cable work that was to be so promising dried up. Brad was shut down at every attempt to earn an income and provide for his family...he was forced to follow and begin on a new journey. The man of this shoe realized two things as he was seeking out clarity over what was happening and what to do...1) He had not had the faith to follow where God was leading...2) He was trying to provide for himself so that he would be able to obey...WOW!

Brad sees and hears God in such profound ways. When he opens his mouth (and heart) to share spiritual insights with me I am always amazed. My man gets it! Many times I wish I got it like he did. BUT...that's the cool thing about Jesus...we can't all get it the same...because we aren't all the same...and if we were all the same the Body would be non-existent...Jesus gives it to us...to me...to you...personally.

This journey is complicated, and I don't have his permission to share it on this blog. What I can share is that God has clearly convinced us of His faithfulness! Early one morning in late January I heard a voice whispering in my ear...as if kneeling by my bed-side attempting to share a secret with me wanting to wake me, but not startle me..."Watch and wait; the provision has been made." I woke to those words reverberating through my mind; it was surreal.

We went from December 2008 to the end of May 2009 with little to no income, and from June to November 09 with a few jobs here and there (tractor work, rock and pinestraw deliveries), but nothing guaranteed on a regular basis.

Trust...persevere...faith...hope...rest...all words that come to mind as I think about 2009. GOD DID PROVIDE and continues to provide. He has overwhelmed and completely satisfied us. I need my Bible and my journal here in front of me so I can recount to you all the remarkable things we experienced at His Hand.

One that jumps out at me was a time over the summer when Brad had grown particularly weary. I prayed for him outloud (not typical) before we went to bed - it was a Saturday night - "Lord, I ask that you would confirm this call that you have placed on Brad's life...that you would confirm it through Your word and in black and white so that Brad clearly see You and be encouraged and strengthened." Wouldn't you know...next morning in Sunday School Brad's Scripture to read was Galatians 3:6 Consider Abraham: "He believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." You better believe he was poking me in the ribs and I was grinning from ear to ear with a little mist forming over my eyes. And people say there is no God! - Ha! Come hang with us a while and you'll see first-hand if there ain't no God then this Shoe would have dried up, fallen apart, and ceased being a Shoe. God is the sole reason we are still able to draw breath! (No pun intended :) )

Another coming to mind...In May or was it June, our peach tree produced good fruit. It has NEVER - NEVER - NEVER produced anything worth anything. Brad even tried to tend to it a few years ago to see if we could get some peaches...nothing. But this year...completley untended...for some reason...God caused our peach tree to produce so much fruit that several branches broke. Sweet Jesus. He knows just what we need; just when we need it.

Oh...there's plenty more...one day I was sent home from a ladies group with an envelope ...it had a 5k cashier's check in it(that's not all these ladies have blessed us with, but it's been so much I've lost count - I figure God doesn't want us keeping count anyway - trust for today)...Last March after speaking at a MOPS group , I opened the envelope containing my honorarium (really just expecting gas money) to find over $1000. The host church was impressed by the Lord to give me $900 for sharing a testimony on Grace plus gas money. I have NEVER been given that much for speaking...WOW! We've received lots gift cards which have provided food and basic necessities. On several different occasions friends showed up with trunk-loads of groceries. Talk about God providing...I kept thinking about the George Mueller story... Last Christmas and this Christmas were totally provided for! We've received an outpouring of financial provision in so many ways it almost seems unfair to only mention these few, but I don't have space to list them all. God has taken care of every need and even some of our wants. He is good - no matter what it looks like all around - look up and you will see that He is good!
He has a plan - sometimes He lets us in on the details; sometimes He doesn't - but it's always good,because He's always good... and we are the better for simply trusting Him with it all!

The kids have been able to share all this with us. They are learning at a young age just how tenderly God cares for them. We've had our rocky spots; this year has been hard, but we are better for it. It's been through this hard time that we've grown - closer to Jesus and closer to one another. Our eyes have been opened to just how loved we are...to love and be loved is the greatest joy on earth!

Totally shifting gears...On the kid's note...Sydney received Christ as her Savior in March - that was such a personal encouragment to me and Brad! PTL! Bo turned 2, Carrie turned 1, Sara Joy turned 4, Sydney 8, James the big 1-0, Riley 7 and finally to almost close out the year Madelyn celebrated her sweet sixteen! I may have a post just to share about that celebration - another one of God's provisions...

We were able to go to Mexico Beach twice thanks to our friends who have a house there. Mexico Beach is our new favorite place in the whole wide world!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (as I type it's 20 degreees outside and the fire's out b/c I'm sitting in here on the computer filling you in! See how much you mean to me?!) Think warm thoughts...Mexico Beach ...sun...sand...waves...laughter...sunscreen...okay...who's ready for the beach...let's go!

Fall posed a new question...school? Up til last year the kids all went to Trinity Christian School on partial scholarship...Sydney and James were home with me Fall 09 while Madelyn and Riley were at TCS...After the new year we couldn't afford our part of the tuition so I was going to pull Riley and enroll him at Jeter Elementary. Well...TCS took care of our part...Riley stayed right where he was in Mrs. Ledbetter's class...and again we were humbled and thankful for how our God was taking care of us. So we knew come fall we'd either have them all (Madelyn aside) in public school, homeschool, or Auburn Classical Academy (private school and homeschool - Cottage school). Madelyn was able to stay at TCS since her dad is paying for it and also...this is so hard for me to type...she'll graduate next year. We couldn't see the benefit of her changing schools her Junior year.
Once again we prayed. Homeschool and ACA both required money...no money came in...and we prayed mightily that it would...so we said the Lord is providing an opportunity for James and Sydney and Riley to attend Opelika City Schools. Happy to say...we are all happy 'bout that! I sure do miss having all the kiddos at one school and would prefer them to be at TCS, but we are pleased with where they are.

Last year I was able to share with James' 4th grade class about Jesus. James was enrolled in Morris Avenue in January 2009. Immediately loved Morris Ave!!!!! I read to his class every week and as I was finishing up last year I told them how special they were to God - He created them with purpose and will always love them no matter what. Did it classic VBS style - "Boys and girls, I want you to look at me in the eye - I want to see every eye - You may not remember anything else Miss Jami has shared with you, but I want you to remember this for always...You are special - God made you and loves you - No matter what happens He will always love you and wants you to love Him." There was a connection there - it was great. I love kids! I love telling kids about Jesus!

This year I read to Sydney's 3rd grade class and Riley's 2nd grade class and guess what????!!!! I get to share Jesus with them, too!!!!! And they are so interested and interactive - got to love the kids!!!!!

Bo and Carrie and Sara Joy are the second set of 3 amigos. My, it is so funny to listen to them play. Carrie (2 in March) thinks she's just as big as Bo (3 tomorrow...today Jan 6) and Sara Joy (5 in March). Sara Joy is their "little mama."

There is so much more to share...later posts maybe...let me share the year in pictures with you...here are some of my favorites!

I didn't think we'd make it through 2009, but look at us...it's already 6 days into 2010 and we are as plump as pillows and gung-ho as ever.

BTW...Brad is going back to finish his Master's in Horticulture...approached in November by one of his professors..."Hey Brad, I've got money in my department for you to come back and finish your masters as a research assistant...tuition is covered and we can give you $1500/mo." GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES!!!!!! This will certainly be another post...so so so much more I want to share.

May your day be filled with peace and hope as you reflect on the love and goodness of our great GOD!!!

Back to the World of Blogging

2010-01-05T14:50:00.000-06:00

Well...well...well...can you believe that it's 2010; twenty-ten! How weird! It's been over a year since my last blog and indeed much has occured (both good and bad; happy and sad)during the lapse, and as you may have already guessed...I plan to share as much of it that I can remember with you. Oh! How I have missed blogging. As my fingers type away, my mind enters into the realm of flash-backs. Literally... right now as I am sitting here my thoughts are racing over this past year. A smile spread across my face. Tears form. Then snap...back to reality...the bus just deposited three of my seven children who fill up this shoe onto our driveway. Hold tight...I'll be back with more. Pictures and plenty of news from 2009 will be yours for the taking in the coming days! I LOVE BLOGGING!!!!!!! Glad to be back! Oh...BTW...did you notice my new look? Love the monkies!?! Consider being a 'Shoe Dweller'? If you blog, send me your blog and I'll put you on my blog-roll. :)

Shoutin' in the Shoe

2008-10-28T13:58:00.000-05:00

There will not be any pictures in this post...sorry...I love the pics, too, but there is too much for me to record and none of the pictures I have would be appropriate. God is AWESOME!!! This is what I've been "shoutin' 'bout!" I mean CRAZY AWESOME! I mean RADICALLY AWESOME! I mean SOVEREIGNLY AWESOME! Can I get a shout out 'bout that?! YES, LORD, YES! You are Holy and Mighty and Righteous and Good and Gentle and Loving and Merciful and Tender and Powerful. POWERFUL!

This past summer was spent in a very foggy place. It wasn't the desert...it was a place I had not been in some time. Everything seemed cloudy. My thoughts askew. My words unfruitful. I knew in my spirit that God was still on the Throne and that His presence was all around me. My soul was scrambling to make sense of what I was experiencing - trying to understand - pursuing affirmation from those around me. CRAZINESS - plain and simple. The nail was hit so hard on the head for me this weekend at the Highlands Ladies Retreat (which was so life-giving and life-affirming).

I am going to attempt to put it into words so that I can soak in what God is pouring out on me. My prayers for God to overwhelm me are being answered in a profound way. Devestate me, God, with Your presence! Yes, Lord, have Your way. The dam burst this weekend and I am drenched in His presence. Consumed!

Most of Friday I prayed, "Lord, please give me a breakthrough. I know what is real spiritually, but I am needing to experience it on an emotional level - clear the fog - open my eyes again so that I can see and hear clearly."

God spoke to me so powerfully about seeking my identity in Him. Seeing myself as He sees me. I get it wrong; my friends get it wrong; the world certainly has it wrong...but, the King...He has is right. His thoughts towards me are beyond number! His affection for me beyond understanding! He takes the vineyard (Song of Solomon) (the place of my pain and shame and heart-ache and hurt; the place of deep wounded-ness) and purchases it for me and places it in my care. The vineyard is now mine. Healing has come; the vines have been pruned and well-tended. The vineyard, redeemed by My King, is now to be a place of fruitfulness and pleasure. Broken vessels. The Lord is speaking broken vessels to me.

Now is the time...time for what...time for judgment to come within the body of Christ. No condemnation - no pointing and wagging of fingers. Time for us - the Church - to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal that which we most fear...we have gotten it wrong...we are striving to live aright all the while the spirit man within us is being lulled to sleep - too comfortable - too complacent - too full of doctrine and theology - too focused on appearance.

It is time for brokenness...refining...cutting away of the worldiness that we have allowed to creep into our lives...deep searching and revelation by the Holy Spirit...time for the spirit of pride to go...time for the spirit of religion to go...time for the divisive jezebel spirit to be crushed...time for the spirit of division to be broken...time for the doubled-minded spirit to be put to death. These are not just things...they are spirits, entities that we, the church, have unknowingly allowed to come in and rob us of unity and humility and transparency and life. Oh God, have mercy on us! Pour out Your Refining Light. May the darkness may be exposed and expelled. Your kindness leads us to repentance. Kindness...Oh, do you see how the enemy has twisted and warped the call to repentance? The call to repent is compassionate and merciful and tender and kind. May the Holy Kindness of our Gentle Shepard fall on us! Jesus walk among us and make us to realize Your presence!

Broken vessels devestated by His holy presence - broken before Him. Like stained glass - He breaks the vessels and takes the pieces and carfully, masterfully places the pieces of brokeness back together and binds them with His Spirit and makes them into vessels of light and healing and hope and comfort and joy and peace and love and truth. Beautiful, broken vessels. Beautiful, broken vessels through which the Spirit of the Living God flows. Yes, Lord Jesus, yes and amen! His life and only His life flowing and pouring Himself through us, the Church, the broken vessel, out onto the world around us. It is time for the Church to judge ourselves - to return and rest in His finished work. Isaiah 30.

God is speaking to me - through the day - through the night - in the shower - during school - through Bible study - through circumstances - through friends. Overwhlemed by His Words. Earlier today I said, "Slow down, Lord. I've got to soak this in." "Speak it out," was His reply. Speak it out! So I am "shoutin' in the shoe" today!

The spirit of negativity was nailed to the cross - that ever-searching, never satisfied spirit was crushed. I have been defined by the Lord and I will be defined only by the Lord. Can I get a HARDY AMEN!!!!!!! Only You, Lord Jesus, give me my name. I am the Beloved of the Lord! :) And... no one can take my name away from me. The Lord has given you a new name, too. What is it? What is your name?! No one can take His name from you! No one! We are His Beloved! We ARE HIS BELOVED!!!!!

Sports and Other Stuff Pertaining to the Shoe

2008-09-26T09:25:00.000-05:00

Fall...I love the slight changing of the seasons that we experience here in the South - cool breezes and crisp, clear days. I am hearing the roar of a crowd and the beats of the marching band at a Friday night football game in my mind - the aroma of corndogs and freshly popped popcorn meandoring through the bleachers. Ahhhh fall! Fall and spring are my favorite seasons of the year. They both bring change; necessary change...good change...Have you ever considered how mundane the experience of life would be without some sort of change? Something to ponder...

Several of my kids, like many of yours, are taking a bite out of sports this fall. Riley has been raring to play soccer since last fall. Might I say...HE LOVES IT!!!!!

El numero tres

Tryin' to get in on the action!

James loves football. Last year he really wanted to play, but I just wasn't quite ready for all that. This is the year...He's already talking NFL...

For real...he's pretty good. Kicking is his thing. They don't kick in Little League, but he practices every day. He gets it in between the posts of the trampoline net from a good distance at a good height. Hey...this Mom says he's one awesome kicker!

Syndey is taking a tumble...power tumbling with Opelika Parks and Rec. She has the build and energy and determination of a gymnast. "Look Mama...look mama...watch me do a cartwheel...a handstand...was that good...when you were a little girl did you do cartwheels?"

She is into asking lots of questions about when I was a little girl. Just this morning - "Mama, when you were a little girl did you ever get cold in the morning a wear covers to the table?" "When you were a little girl did your Mama tell you stories?" "When you were a little girl did you like Hannah Montana?" "When you were a little girl did you like to wear make-up?"

Madelyn never asked those kinds of questions - so this is throwing me off a little bit. I chuckle inside at a lot of the questions she poses, but deep down I know she is searching to be identified with her Mama. When I ponder that I am terrified, awestruck, and humbled. Terrified of failing, awestruck at the power I hold in my hands, and humbled at her admiration of me and love for me. "Mama's, (I am speaking to all of us here - most of us already know this, but...) we, along with the Daddo's, hold the power in our "hands" to build up our children or unknowingly tear them down." Whoa...whoa...whoa. That's deep. That's awesome. That's one of the reasons why we need to know and rely on the love of Christ that dwells within us. Praise Him for He enables and equips us! Everyday - everyday, like you, I am reminded just how inadequate I am. Yet, my Faithful Friend is always here cheering me on..."I am all you need. Stick to me and I will show Myself adequate through you."

This little-bit is trying to sit up. She sticks it for about five seconds...then she takes a nose-dive, rolls over, and tries her hand at crawling. Yesterday, she rocked back and forth several times then actually took 2 "crawls." (What do you call that...in my mind I am saying steps...but I know that ain't rite...?) Anyhoo - ofcourse I didn't catch it on film. Carrie...you go girl! Before long she'll be giving Bo a run for his money.

Madelyn and a friend of hers are baby-sitting for us on Wednesday nights so we can go to a small group. The kids love it!...we love it!

Homeschooling...ahh...the joys of homeschooling! :)

This by far has been one of the most demanding, die-to-yourself, rewarding experiences I have encountered. Each morning the question is posed, "Are you going to have your way and hang on to what you want, or are you going to let Me have My way?"
Some days I hang on to what I want...nobody likes those days too much. ...Then some days I give it up and over...those days are fantastic - like a breath of fresh air.

Today has been one of those days; schedule straight out the window. James wanted to go with Dad to work today. The "teacher" in me said, "No way!" The Mom in me said, "By all means - take him and teach something good - we can "do" school tomorrow (Saturday)!" God said, "Let him go, I've got something different for you all today." Sydney was working on some of her "seat-work," and I was working on this post when the phone rings...on the other end was a friend. "God told me to come pray for you today. What is your schedule like?" (Isn't God neat?!He knows...He knows everything...He had already cleared my calendar for the morning...) (I am so glad He has (painfully and slowly)loosened my grip on my life - my schedule - my time - my agenda.) What's even better - she came to pray over something that I had spent yesterday afternoon crying out to Him about. AWESOME GOD!!! If we ask He will answer. If we seek He will show us. If we knock He will open the door. Man, that's powerful stuff! GOD, YOU ARE GREAT AND MIGHTY AND POWERFUL AND ABLE AND STRONG AND LOVING AND KIND AND GOOD AND ALL I NEED!
My time to blog ran out about 30 minutes ago...mild chaos is breaking out...Carrie is starting to cry...Sydney, Bo, and Sara Joy are scrambling around screaming, sqealing, and shrieking...aaahhhhhh the sounds of childhood play!!! So much more to share...not enough time. Catch you all later! Have an awesome weekend!

School in and out of the Shoe

2008-09-07T13:17:00.000-05:00

Okay...Can anyone give me an accurate and complete definition of overwhelmed? No...you can't. (Chuckle, chuckle, smile.) No description, no matter how thorough, can aptly define being overwhelmed. You know why - I just had this light-bulb moment as I was typing the previous sentence - because different things - circumstances and situations - affect different people in different ways. Did that make any sense? (My brow is furrowed as I read back over that explanation.) More simply stated - What makes me feel overwhelmed may not make you feel overwhelmed and vice-versa.

PICTURES ARE COMING (they're at the bottom)...give me a break...I have a lot to share this post...(smile)...so if you must...scroll on down and check the pics...then slowly make your way back up and read...read, I say...this is good stuff. (I think I may still be hopped up on the coffee I drank this morning.) (big smile and a couple of laughs)

Let me tell you why I am overwhelmed...(Can you feel my pain already? Smile. Are you hearing me already? Ahh - yes, any mother, any mother, no matter how many children - especially those moms who homeschool - can already sense my overwhelmedness.) (I think I just made up a new word.) (with a little snicker and chuckle) (l-o-v-e the parentheses...you'll see them a lot in this post)

Overwhlemedness reason number one: The summer was hairy - too much to do and only 24 hours in each day to do whatever it was that we did. The kids had a break from school, but I was overloaded. Now - let me just say this. One can still have a great time and enjoy life while still feeling overwhelmed. (smile)

Reason number two: school started back. Okay, Okay, okay. I know you are thinking to yourself, "What's wrong with this girl - she's overwhelmed out of school; she's overwhelmed in school. What's wrong with her?" Well...Aren't you sometimes? School means schedules and routines. And...those schedules and routines have to be planned out. And...someone has to plan them. And...that someone would be - ME! It is the planning out of things which creates a mental fog (aka overwhelmedness). Information overload with 7 kids to schedule and plan for.

Reason number three: I am homeschooling two of my kids - second and fourth grades. Nuff - sed! Don't you love the phonics...Way to go mom...I mean Mrs. Sims. (Smile...slight chuckle!)

Reasons number four - one hundred : I have seven kids three of whom are three and under. I don't think we need any more explanation. Unless, you want to include meal planning, house cleaning, clothes washing, orthodontic appointments, pediatric appointments (shots for Carrie), taxi-ing to and from school and extra-curricular activities (soccer, football, gymnastics) along with reasons 2 and 3. That doesn't even include quality time - meaningful interaction with my kids or husband...And...(whew, I am out of breath)these are just the events that I know are going to occur any given week.

Last week I was crying out (last week was a hard week), "Lord, I really can't do this - I can't. His reply...This is why I love Jesus so much..."I know you can't - BUT I CAN." He kept telling me all last week, "It's worth it; what you are doing is so worth it. With the right attitude in your heart, all your efforts are going towards the building up of my kingdom."

Needless to say...I don't feel near as overwhelmed as I did last week. He's got my back...and my mind...and my heart. He's got me covered. I - cannot - neither can you...but He can and He will if we will just let Him. I am so thankful that my life is not easy. If it were I may deceive myself into thinking I don't really need Him. Oh, I may pledge affection for Him - praise Him - but it's my inability which causes me to fall on my face in utter desperation for Him. These past few weeks my prayers have been really, really simple. Over and over I breath out these words...I need You, I need You, I need You. I love You, I love You, I love You.

On the way to church this morning God spoke profoundly to me about my overwhelmedness...I realized that every time God doesn't step in to rescue me on my terms I wag an accussing finger in His Face. I would say, "Lord, this really stinks - if this is how it's going to be - I don't think I can trust You anymore." God have mercy. And He does. His kindness leads me to repentance. The Lord Jesus Christ suffered more injustice than I could ever imagine while He lived in this world - and never complained - never turned away - only trusted. How dare I, how dare I accuse Him of failing me. "Lord God, forgive me for accusing You and not trusting in Your plans and purposes for my life."

Dissappointment seperates; that was one of the points in service this morning. Conviction grabbed my hand and said - "Let's deal with this and be done with this - God does not dissappoint - He pours Himself out." I think a reading of Job may bring my self-righteous self back to reality. (Smile) How thankful I am for a kind and merciful Savior.

Overwhelmedness (smile) takes a back seat to the wisdom and providence of God. These are His plans for this life and this family. My God is bigger than how I feel and the things I experience here and now. I place my trust in HIM!!! YES!!! Can I get an AMEN!!!! Say it sisters. (Smile)
Now that I have preached to myself - let me share some pictures...and some more thoughts.

First day of 10th grade. I cannot believe that Madelyn is already a sophmore! Okay...she can stay in 10th grade forever. She can stay at Trinity forever. My heart already feels the wrenching of my first chick-a-dee readying herself to leave the nest.

James and Sydney their first day of 2nd and 4th grades at Sims' Academy. Love it! They are good students - mostly. (Smile Grin) I really am so proud that God is doing this through us. It is only by and through Him that we are able to do this thing that He has called us to this year. (Notice I typed...this year.)

Riley - first grade - didn't want to get a picture for the first day of school. He marches to a different beat. I am learning - so is Brad - how to discpline/train him while still allowing him to keep his own little march. (It's HARD and we fall short in so many ways.) Can you read his award in the picture? This mother's heart swelled with pride as I drove around the corner in the car-pool line and saw my sweet little drummer standing in the first-grade pick-up line bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with a big, bright, student award dangling from his neck. I started crying. I'm not ashamed. I cried...like he had just won gold for team USA in the Olympics. His award states that he was a "good friend" to his classmates. You have to understand that this little whipper-snapper has lots o' trouble keeping his hands to himself and his mouth closed. He's like a little whirlwind - but that day he was a gentle breeze in Mrs. Ledbetter's first-grade class at Trinity Christian School. AWESOME!!!

"Would you like me to stick a marker up your nose, too? I am really getting good at it - and so proud." Bo doesn't really understand that he is only 19 months old. As far as he is concerned he's 3. He loves to scribble...on himself...on the walls...on books...on the floor...on the couch. Most days, Praise the Lord, he naps for a long portion of the morning so we are able to "do" school. On other days - like this one - he and Sara Joy create all sorts of mischief (and fun)!

All I can say when I see pictures of Carrie is, "Smiling sweetness!" She is all smiles and a mommy and daddy lover. If we are in close proximity she wants us to hold her. If Brad is holding her and I walk by she smiles really big as if to say..."See me - ahh yeah - I got it made - this is the life." Then just a I pass by she cries...as if to say..."Hey - where are you going - wait - I may miss something by staying in here; take me with you." She is a little smile for all of us.

Sara Joy blooms were ever she is planted. Don't you love the garden hat? (I will have, h-a-v-e, to take some time this year to make school fun with crafts and activities.) Right now, as I type, Sara Joy is asleep on the kitchen floor underneath the table. The picture below is of the same scene several weeks ago. She will fall asleep anywhere if she is still long enough. She, too, has napped several times these past few weeks of homeschool - such a blessing!

We thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness to provide all we need for the task at hand.

"God bless you and keep you - make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you - lift up His countenance upon you and give you (and we say this part really loud in our family) PEACE!" ~Numbers 6:24-26

Summer in the Shoe

2008-08-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

This blog entry is not going to be the typical witty entry - my brain is fried and my body is tired... I have many more pictures than normal - hope you enjoy.

Can you tell that this crew is full of life...mischief...sweetness...energy!!!! Summer always holds lots of surprises. None of our summers have ever been dull. Like your family we have days fully planned out and days that just seem to happen. More often than not our days just happened this summer. Structure is something I thrive on...we started off so well...

Regular kickball matches...

Intense family fun...

So exciting...joking aside, the kids loved it!

We also read and talked about the first 6 chapters of John using Kay Arthur's Bible Studies for Kids. I cannot think of a more important thing than pouring into the lives of my children - yet so often I fail miserably. We started so strong then other commitments or outings or events came along and before you know it Bible study took a back seat to life.
Finding the balance - isn't that a joke - is challenging. How do I feed my children God's word without forcing it on them. Trusting that God is loving my children unto Himself gives me great peace and causes me relax. All that to say - the formal Bible Study lasted about 2 weeks maybe 3.

Sara Joy hamming it up in the baby pool. I have had this pool since Madelyn was a toddler. Matter of fact, this picture reminds me so much of her. Love it! We had a little bit of water fun this summer. Just a little bit...

Bo getting himself a mouthful of refreshment.

James...slippin' and a slidin'

My kids are pitifully drawn to water - any way they can take it. Growing up, I loved water - 2 inches or 12 feet deep - sparkling blue or swampy green -it didn't matter. My kids are the same.

These pictures were taken at West Point State Park. The kids went for a few days, and we had James' and Riley's birthday party there.
Right now, as I type, 4 of my kids are with Granny and Paw-Paw camping at Chewacla State Park. We were just commenting yesterday that it is great that they ALL love to camp.

Down at G & P's the kids like to ride in the paddle boat around the little pond with an island in the middle of it. It's a cool little thing for the kids.

The girls. They are all growing so fast.

I could not believe that I actually got this picture. We are missing Madelyn...we have missed her a lot this summer. It makes me realize that she is growing up and will soon be gone. I cherish these last few years before she moves out to embark upon a life of her own.

James and Syndey

Bo got a little "buckle" fracture a few weeks ago climbing up the ladder on the boys bunkbeds. He fell and landed just the right way. His little splint was so cute. Snoopy. It's off now and he seems just fine.

The second set of The Three Amigos

Madelyn at Camp Marannook.

She was a "Kitchie." All the high-schoolers serve as support staff - maintenance or kitchen help. They prepared and served lots and lots o kids.

Riley so proud of his webkinz. Do your kids live for webkinz. Mine do. I cannot believe that they love them the way they do. I have some grown friends who are just as crazy about them, too. CRAAAA----ZYYYYY! FUN!

School starts next week. I am both glad and sad. Routine and schedules return - freedom and lazy days - out the window. I ended my last blog with a word about trust. I will end this one the same. It seems each summer I have an opportunity through some sort of adversity to experience God in a new way. This summer is no exception. TRUST. At the beginning of this year, I blogged about this word (This is the Year...). God is calling us to TRUST Him like we never have before. I must say it is exciting! A little scary anytime you willfully place your life completley in the hands of another! But, what capable and mighty Hands they are!

"But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, 'You are my God,' My times are in Your hand..." Psalm 31:14-15a

Out of the Shoe

2008-06-03T14:33:00.000-05:00

Schools Out for the Summer - Alice Cooper - don't know what year, but I bet you are humming the song if you know it...ha!
Summer - time to kick back and relax and enjoy life - no hurrying or rushing around to get the kids off to school or picked up from school - no extracurricular activities to attend - no real set agenda - except...visits to "Granny's." Growing up me and Neal and Jenny spent lots and lots of time with Mom and Pop in Dothan and at "the farm." ((We had lots of great times with Granny and Granddaddy (coke in baby bottles and melted cheese), too, but every summer my mind goes back to M&P and the farm.)) Wow - those are some of the best memories I have. Even now as I type, I am remembering "exploring" along the creek bed wading through its several-inch-high stream and stacking rock after rock - one on top of another, to the side of another, in front of the other - to dam it up so we could have a little swimming hole. Inside each one of us, like all kids, resided a longing to discover and exlpore and imagine a fantastical world and somehow, someway make that world come alive. I am there now - hearing the giggles and squeals - seeing the toothy grins - smelling the fresh crisp river water - feeling the damp southern heat smack dab in the middle of the summer. I'm gonna go see if I can rustle up a picture.

I couldn't find any from childhood,but these pictures were taken in the summer of 1999. Me (pregnant with James), Brad, Madelyn, Pale (now deceased - we still miss Pale!), and then Madelyn with her friend, Jordyn Clark. As you can see the water isn't very deep, but...it runs deep in my mind and takes me back - back to a time when all we wanted to do and all we pursued was pure fun! I hope you have some fonds childhood memories dancing through your head now as a result of reading mine. :)

That brings me back to the here and now. My kids have what me and my brother and sister have with Brad's Mom and Dad. So...the "Granny" visits are in full swing.Sara Joy and Bo were the first two to go. Loaded down with these backpacks they were all smiles. Bo couldn't even stand up! They had a blast!
AND...while they were gone we had a painting day. The Shoe got a mini face-lift. My camera was out and ready. I had every intention to take pictures of all of us working like mad, but...I forgot. The day was whinding down and I remembered too late...oh well. I had wanted to take pictures to testify to the graciousness and kindness of our friends. For about 10 hours that Saturday we were loved on and encouraged by God through these friends - CCIA - Christian Community in Action. God is so good. A friend of mine said after I had recounted the day to her, "It was as if God were giving you hugs all day long." YEP! And it is so good to be hugged! :)

Sydney and Riley took turns next. Paw-paw built the kids a mega play set in their backyard in Bay Minette so they were really looking forward to playing on it. And they have a little paddle boat for a small pond they dug out in their field that held water when it rained. And of course, they get seemingly unlimited trips to the Dollar General and Dollar Tree. What kid wouldn't think this is a little slice of heaven? We went down over the Memorial Day holiday to pick up everyone and leave James. Whew - it was nice to have a change of scenary. We have not been out of town (aside from my Granny's funeral) in a really long time. James decided he didn't want to stay by himself he wanted one of his brothers or sisters to stay and play, too. He and Sydney stayed a week. James is such a great kid!

Madelyn has been "getting in her beach time" (those were her words to me when she called to see if she could stay longer) down at her Gramma's in Destin - lucky dog! I think she's a little home-sick. She'll be home tonight then leaves again in the a.m. for Seattle. One of her aunts lives there and gave her a round-trip ticket for her b'day and Christmas. She'll be home for a couple of weeks in June and early July then she leaves again to work at Camp Marannook. What an awesome experience for her to have. Camp Marannook is reknown (did I spell that right?!?!) for its focus on spiritual impact. Not only do these kids have a blast at summer camp, but they are discipled and encouraged. www.marannook.org

Okay...don't look at the date on this pic. I know it's from last year, but I needed to find one of us that showed his "goofy" side. Brad Sims is the peanut butter on my graham cracker. One of these days I'm gonna do a whole post just on "the old man" of our shoe. You'll be blessed by reading it when I do. I not only love him, but am in love with him. Thinking about him now brings a smile to my face and a little flutter to my heart! (Can anyone say, "Corny!") He was made for me and I am beginning to believe that I was made for him. Like peas and carrots. (Can you hear Forrest Gump?)

Isn't she just the cutest little thing? She (Carrie) brightens my day with her sweet smile. Good as gold. A mother's love never runs dry I don't guess, because my heart still feels so full I am almost certain it will burst. What if it did burst? I am seeing little splashs of rainbow colored goop all over the walls. (Okay that was a little weird?!) But really think about it - I don't mean literally, but figuratively - what if your heart burst open - what would come out? That's something to ponder - hmm - sigh - I am pondering...yep, I think it would be rainbow colored goop. Cool!

Summer is in full swing at our house so just my being able to sit down and gather my thoughts and have time to blog is a gift of grace. God makes me smile! :) He really does care about every single detail of our lives - and not only does He care - He is interested as well. Now that is something to really ponder!

Some really neat things are on the horizon for the Sims' family. No details will be released at this time, but it's exciting because it's a God-thing; a God-sized thing. He is speaking and we are hearing and actually following. Pray for us as the Lord puts us on your heart. His plan is perfect and timing impeccable!

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

Psalm 20:7

Life in the Shoe

2008-05-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not this is the first photo of our whole gang since Carrie was born. It is so hard to find a time when we are all home together! This picture was taken after a long day of fun and fellowship at the home of our friends. What a great day we had! We need more times like that. Not just our family, but all of us - relaxing and enjoying life together. It's hard though...we all have our own lives - and we are all busy. Sunday was a reminder to me that no matter how hectic life gets "in the shoe," we can and must make time to spend time - quality time - with friends.
Our lives are so enriched when we can sit back and marvel at all the "life" God has given us. I love this picture. Two little peas in a pod. It's funny but all my kids no matter who they are are like peas in a pod when they are playing. In the mornings while the other kids are at school these two are fast friends - laughind and playing and really having a great time together. Sara Joy gets to be the "big" sister. And Bo is her "widdle" bruddur. I was praising her and him for being good brother's and sister's the other day. This is what I heard a few moments later - Sara Joy: "I such a gooowood bid bruddur." She cracks me up! Bo is a bigger copy-catter than she ever thought of being. The other night he and Sara Joy and Riley were running from the dresser to the end of the bed in my room - counting - "1-2-3-go!" Bo crouched down, "Uh(1)-uh(2)-fee(3)-uh(go)!" And off he ran into the end of the bed.
Carrie is such a blessing to our family. Once again the Lord has given me a reminder of His love for me in her. He also reminds me to slow down and enjoy these little ones at my feet. I emailed my sister today telling her sometimes I feel like I am on a sinking ship, but when I look around at the sweet faces that surround me I can see the Lord smiling on me. Carrie Faith. Her name is a reminder to sing joyfully and expectantly about the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord.
These two little yahoo's are both "middle" children. They L-O-V-E to have their picture taken. Everything about them screams, "Hey, look at me...see me...laugh at me...clap for me...notice me...I am so cute and funny and great." Just a minute ago as I was typing the text for the first picture Riley was standing at the pantry getting some raisins practicing a song for his K5 graduation...'He's still working on me...He's still working on me." Tear whelled up in my eyes. I love him! Sydney, too! So full of life.
James got braces earlier this year. He loves them! :) This year I got yearbooks for him and Madelyn. It was so funny to read some of the things in his book. Several of the older girls commented on how they really liked James hair. He has the longer bangs that he whips over to the side and he REFUSES to let me cut them. I gave him a trim around the edges, but I was not going anywhere near the front. Funny! James is a great kid! He loves to play ball. He and Brad and the other kids (and Dads) were playing ball most of the afternoon this past Sunday at our friend's house. FUN!!!
Madelyn (on the right with the shorts) was in her first ever school play a couple of weekends ago. It was really, really good! We were all impressed. She loves drama. I think she will end up majoring in performing arts - if not she will be a writer. This sweet child has turned a corner. Back in the fall she began going to another church while staying at her Dad's. After a few weeks I started noticing a difference - a big difference. Well a few weeks later she told me she wanted to get baptized again. We talked about it - she shared her heart..."When I got baptized I was little and didn't really understand...but now I know - it's like I really have a relationship with Jesus - and I just want to tell everyone." YES! She has been such a breath of fresh air to me. It is invigorating to be around people who are full of life. It's freeing! She definately grounded and growing. It blesses me when I walk in her room and see the verses she has written on her mirror and posted on her wall. She is not only hearing the Word, but seeking to apply it! Another - YES! She just got braces the other day - she was nervous about how they would make her look, but I think they look really cute! She is such a beautiful girl!

Life in the Shoe is definately full - fast and furious - but as one of my friends always says, "It's all good!"

The Shoe Gets Stretched

2008-03-28T20:17:00.001-05:00

Carrie Faith Sims. Seven pounds, seven ounces, and 21 inches long. March 1, 2008 at 10:46 a.m.
Our "little" shoe stretched again and we are filled up to overflowing. Pregnancy can do weird things to a woman; I mean wierd things. For instance, and maybe this one isn't so wierd (I have the feeling that many of you ladies have experienced the same thing.), but have you ever wondered just how in the world you will be capable of loving this little baby? I mean questioned yourself about whether or not you are actually capable of loving another human being as much as he/she needs to be loved. I have. I was never quite sure of the answer until the newborn babe was laid on my chest moments after delivery. Instantly almost instinctly my mother's heart was filled and pouring over with love and joy. It happened again almost a month ago.
Brad and I got to the hospital around 7:30 a.m. and the nurse got me all set up and ready to go by 8:30. Steady contraction were coming every six minutes or so, but since I was already scheduled to be induced I was started on pitocin. My water broke on its own at 9:50 a.m. and I was at six centimeters. Anxiety pounced as I braced myself for the pain I knew was coming. Brad could see the fear in my face. He kept reassuring me, "It's all going to be okay. You can do this." What a great man I have! It hasn't always been that way though... I won't digress. HA! (I'll blog about the Old Man in the Shoe another day.)
Starting to tense up after a hard contraction or two, I asked for a quarter dose of Staydol. AHHH - like a glass of wine. Relax...it'll all be over and you'll be holding your sweet little girl. Another hard contraction or two (10:30 or so) and I looked over at Brad and said, "You've got to get somebody because my body is starting to push."
All of a sudden the room was very warm (I had beads of sweat over my lips and on my brow) and things were moving very quickly. It was time. Dr. Harris was ready. With camera held out in front of him, my dad was ready. Brad was right next to me ready. BUT...I wasn't ready - flashbacks of Bo's delivery incited fear. I can laugh about it now, but it sure want' funny then. As I was delvering Bo I kept whispering, "This is so painful," over and over again. Ya think?!?!?! With the next contraction came the cheer to push...now don't push just breath...I can't not push - I've gotta push...no you can't push just breath...then once again...push! One more push and she was out. It seemed to me as if the whole entire room cheered.
Two hours and sixteen minutes. That's a record for me. And it wasn't even that painful. BIZARRE...Wonderful. God's presence was sensed and received. He poured Himself out on us that morning and it has been a continual down pour for these past weeks. Never have I experienced or sensed such elation and joy. The atmosphere was electric. We were all laughing and smiling. Obviously family would act that way, but I don't recollect medical staff having such an emotional response. Had I been able to see with spiritual eyes I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would have seen scores and scores of angels dancing and celebrating the arrival of Carrie Faith Sims. God was there with us and it was unbelievably wonderful!
Something has happend in me as a result; Brad, too. I cannot quite put it into words, but it is as if everything I have learned and studied and expereinced has settled down - way deep down - into my heart. I feel God's peace - I am delighting in His presence - I am in love with Jesus. His Love has exploded into my heart and filled me up. I feel like an all new person - like I am awakening to something fresh and alive and real and amazing. I am loved and capable of loving greatly. Wow! Wow...I cannot fully relate what that means to me with all the things I have struggled with over the years. I am free...free to be loved...free to love...free...free...free.
This old lady's heart has finally found rest and contentment. And...it feels GOOD!!! There is so much more I want to share - so much, but it's getting late for me so I will say "good night." The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face to shine upon you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

Three Days and Three Nights

2008-01-15T09:11:00.001-06:00

Three days and three nights...Tres Dias...or as some know it... Walk to Emmaus or...Cursillo. What ever the name, these weekends are a concentrated three days and nights of seeking to know and expereince Jesus in a deeper and fuller way.

I remember when a friend from Bible study shared with our class that she was going to a Walk to Emmaus weekend. Immediately my mind pictured her furiously walking up a hill completing some physical task that had spiritual implications. Funny how we can so quickly form opinions or ideas about a thing before we have any true concept of what it actually is. My friend came back radiant, but she didn't share a whole lot about the weekend. Good for her I thought - rather judgmentally.

A year or so later our good friends, Dave and Carrie Reid, attended a Tres Dias weekend in Birmingham. Fully expecting to hear about every detail of the weekend, I was sorely let down when Carrie rather tight-lipped said that it was good and eye-opening, but didn't expound on any of the details. How could she not share this with me...if it was so good then why didn't she tell me more?

They invited Brad and I to go to a Tres Dias weekend in the early Spring of 2003. At first I was really excited. Brad went without hesitation. The smile couldn't have been slapped off his face when he returned. Yet, once again...I couldn't find out any specifics about the weekend. Okay...what's going on here. Hardness was forming over my heart. The weekend I was once so eager to attend was now a thorn in my side. I was not going to go. Brad said I was. All the more reason for me to not want to go - rebellious and stubborn. He said there was no choice in the matter - he'd pack my bags for me, but I was GOING! Whew I was so mad that Thursday when I left for Tres Dias. I mean fuming mad!

Sitting by myself on the pew of the church where we all gathered before making our way to Pine Eden campground for the weekend retreat, I began to pray..."Lord give me a willing spirit...break this pride that has reared it's ugly head in my heart. I know You have a purpose for me being here, and I know that You have something for me to receive from You this weekend - I don't want to miss it - I don't want to miss You!" I didn't sleep much that first night and really just wanted to go home, but I knew in my spirit that God was there and had something to reveal.

The teachings I heard were really not anything new or different. While it all lined up with Scripture, there was an air of something deeper - a transparency in presentation - a vulnerability - an openeness that beckoned..."Go deeper with me, Jami...deeper..." I don't exactly know how or when or what happened, but by Sunday morning I was a glow with the Spirit of the Lord like I never had been before. (The smile couldn't have been slapped off my face either.) Something happened over the course of those three days and three nights that caused me to be immersed in the grace and love of Christ like I had never perceived before. God revealed Himself to me in a unique and special way over that weekend that has created in me a hunger and thirst and desire for more and more and more of Him.

I cannot share specifics. Not because I cannot, but because it would not benefit those who have not yet come on a Tres Dias. For instance, even though the 10 other ladies and I that attended my specific Tres Dias experienced all the same teachings, chapels, and meal times, we each received something totally different. We were all in different places in our walks with the Lord so in turn we all received something different that was unique to where we were and what we needed. It think that is what is so special about these weekends. While they are cookie-cutter in outline, they are anything but in application as the Spirit pours Himself out on each one present and willing and receptive.

Tres Dias is not an emotional experience - while many emotions may be experienced over the course of our 72 hours together - it is an experience with truth - capital T-Truth and little t-truth. It is a weekend that the walls come down and grace runs free. A weekend of unconditional love and accpetance no matter where you are or where you've been. A weekend of no expectations - just openness to what God wants to reveal.

Once I returned from my weekend, Brad and I were able to share the things we both experienced on our weekends and how they meant different things to each of us or how they ministered in similar ways to us both. Tres Dias has been an experience that has given us something we can share together - a unifying tool that we love to share with others.

Carrie and I (as well as other friends who have been to Tres Dias)have also been able to share. We have talked in great detail about every aspect and event of the weekend. It is so neat to hear about how God revealed different things to each one of us and has drwan us deeper into Himself as a result.

There is nothing exclusive about Tres Dias or any of these weekends - nothing secretive - nothing hidden. There is however much preparation and prayer given to each weekend and because of that these weekends are limited in the number of people who can attend each time. Humbled...I was so humbled the first time I served on a Tres Dias weekend. All the prayer and care that went into the weekend blew me away. And it's like that every time. Months and months of time given and preparations made and prayers lifted up in order that several hand-fulls of people may come and enjoy God's presence in a way not possible in the hustle-bustle busy-doing 21st century in which we live.

I love Tres Dias, but I love Jesus more. Tres Dias is merely a tool used mightly by God for the building up of HIS Church. Our lives have been enriched by our involvment with Tres Dias. We have not and will not ever place Tres Dias over our local church. It is for the building up of the local church that these 3-day movements were created. Tres Dias is an enhancement and compliment to the local church and should not ever be placed ahead of involvment with the local body.

Tres Dias is not sponsored by any one denomination, but made up of a governing "board" (Brad and I serve on our local community "board" called Secretariat)of Bible-believing, Christ-honoring men and women. You can read the Tres Dias statement of belief at www.tresdias.org by entering the site and clicking on the "Constitution" tab on left hand side of screen, scrolling down and clicking on 2.0 "purpose of Tres Dias and Statement of Belief."

We invite you to come on a Tres Dias weekend. Chattahoochee Valley Tres Dias which offers it's weekends at Pine Eden Campground in Hamilton, Georgia is the community that Brad and I are involved in. Each year our community has 4 weekends, 2 for the men and 2 for the women with one set of weekends in the fall and one set in the spring. April 3-6 (men) and April 10-13 (women) are the upcoming set of weekend for the spring. Just let us know and we can get you signed up and ready to go. It is an awesome weekend!

Pictures I couldn't insert in the other posts

2008-01-09T08:00:00.001-06:00

Bo enjoyed his oreo cookie icecream pie. It is so hard for me to believe that he is already a year old - sitting at the big table - walking - saying ma...ma...da...da - eating big people food...it's crazy how fast time flies by. God teach us to number our days!

Bo's first birthday - Happy Birthday Bo!!! The Big ONE. I love that all my children were excited for Bo to celebrate his birthday...they helped put the candle in the pie and blow the candle out and remove the candle and get the gifts and open the gifts and play with the gifts...and all the while Madelyn was helping keep things calm - What a blessing!

The Old Lady in the Shoe and her peeps...Getting this picture taken was quite interesting if you could imagine...At a certain point in the picture taking process you really could care less if everyone if looking or smiling...this one turned out good though...and the Old Lady was happy about that!

Tuckered-out...Sara Joy had had all the excitment she could take for one morning. Notice the jamma's and bright white and pink Dora shoes! She is precious! I got a picture of her the other night sleeping on the kitchen floor...now that is TIRED!

Little man Bo getting in on all the Christmas action. He makes me laugh always smiling and getting into something. His laugh seems to get frozen in the flash of the camera...

I told you Sydney got enough make-up to last the rest of her natural life...Madelyn, Sydney and Sara Joy all "dolled" up. James took this picture. I had NO idea what they were doing in Madelyn's room. The girls LOVE...L-O-V-E the make-up!

James, AKA Brandon Cox. He and Riley would wear their AU uniforms 24/7 if they could! You should see them outside all playing ball together. It is a riot! He's actually a good kicker and puts a pretty spin on the ball when he passes it That was one of the things Brad said last night to James..."I am so thankful for James that I get to play football with him."

All the children on Christmas morning after the blitz...showing off their new "jamma's" (as Sara Joy calls them).
Aren't they so sweet and cute and handsome!

Riley's one request - SpongeBob hat...I have two other pictures that I will spare you of his SB umbrella and SB gloves. He was so SO EXCITED about the gifts!

This is the Year...

2008-01-06T15:29:00.000-06:00

Just a few days before the new year rolled around I told Brad, "This is going to be the year. I just have a feeling about it." We were invited by a friend and his wife along with several other couples to cheer on the Auburn Tigers as they took on the Clemson Tigers in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl in Atlanta for New Year's Eve. What an adventure! Our whole crew had a blast! The highlight of the evening...seeing the winning play (Auburn crossing the end zone securing a win) from the eighth row on about the 20 yard line. Adrenaline, cheers, yelps, high-fives, flashing smiles and camera's...a night to remember. Leaving the game I looked at Brad again and said something to the effect..."2008 is the year." A friend overheard what I said and asked something like what did I mean or why. No definitive answer to give, just a smile and a confident reply that I just felt like 2008 is going to be a great year - an exciting year.

Exiting the last flight of stairs (that was an anxiety-packed few moments) in the Marta station, I overheard a teen-aged girl reply to her friend, "I don't know what I am doing tomorrow...Daddy, what (she had planned to ask her Dad what the aganda for the next day was, but looking around the girl noticed her Dad wasn't where he was when she last looked)...Where did Daddy go...he and Mama know what I've got planned even before I do." Then she asked her friend, "What time are you going to the movies?" Lost in contemplation over what this young girl said - I mean what she really said beyond the words she spoke, the noise around me went quiet. Her trust in her parents and reliance on them so strong that she didn't even give a second to thought what the plans for the next day would be; her parents had it all figured out. She wasn't anxious or concerned. What I heard her affirm through those few words..."I know that my Mom and Dad love me and have great plans for me what ever that may look like and I trust them with every day of my life."

I think that is a part of what I sense about 2008. I don't know what lies ahead. "Change" - the word keeps coming to mind. "New," "different," "unity;" all words that come to mind as I think about this new year. "Trust" - that's the biggy and I almost forgot it...Trust...do I so trust in my Dad that I can let go of the anxieties of today and worries of tomorrow and just live in today trusting that His plans for me are ALWAYS GOOD - no matter what that looks like. Honestly, I have to say that I don't know if I am there yet in experience - yet I can look back over the last 9 years as I have been walking with the Lord and see that He is fully Trust worthy and faithful. I know it as truth in my heart and in my head, but it is as if the two haven't fully meshed together. What's that all about????!!!!???

Bo is crying to get up from nap and since today is his birthday I guess I need to get the little fellow up so we can have a little family celebration marking his first year. Hold those thoughts and I'll be back to blogging sometime later in the week.

The Last of the Beginning...How this Shoe got so full.

2007-12-29T16:09:00.000-06:00

In the post from earlier today there are pictures of the beginnings of all my little people. Realizing that they are not labeled I need to tell you who each of these sweet things is. From baby to oldest...First there is Bo. He will be celebrating his first birthday Januray 6, 2008...he won't really know what's going on...but we'll be having a party of some sort for him. Next, Sara Joy. She is 18 months old in this picture taken Fall 06 - precious! Then the mold-breaker - the one and only - Riley. He is 9 months old. This was one of the last professional pictures I had made of him until last Fall...he was so difficult...I would leave the photo store with jaws clenched and sweat beading over my top lip. I think that is why I don't have many early infant pictures of Sara Joy. Sydney, is that sweet little thing in the green/pastel plaid dress with flowers and bare feet. Memory not so good...but I think she was around a year old in this shot. Barely a grin on his face, next is James. This was taken when he was 6-9 months old. Both he and Riley in these posted pictures are wearing an outfit made by my sister-in-law, Tami. (She also made a sweet coming home gown for James after he was born, and all my children (aside from Madelyn) have worn it home from the hospital. Finally, my first, Madelyn. She was also between 9-12 months in this photo. I wanted to share baby photos with you since I am posting about our beginnings.

Sara Joy was a little - just barely - over a year old when I found out that I was expecting again. I kept this little tid-bit to myself for several weeks. Oh my...we are going to be like the Brady Bunch...six children...but even so I was thrilled. Children are indeed a blessing - the fruit of the womb, a reward. Brad took the news okay...(I made a comment the other night when some friends were over...one of the guys said to Brad, "Yeah, I haven't heard you saying much about this baby," (not Bo, but this baby, baby #7) I responded that Brad no lika da bebes. I was just kidding, but there was a hint of truth to that. He doesn't have any connection to our children in-utero and really doesn't bond with them until they are several weeks old...the first three months is always so HARD.) That was a long parenthetical statement...hope you were able to follow that. - It's just how my mind thinks...

I love the beach...we have some friends who have a condo in West Pananma City Beach who offered to let Brad and I go for a little R & R WITHOUT KIDS!!! Last August (I was about 4 mos preggo)Brad's Mom and Dad took the kids and we drove like mad to PCB. It was the first time we had been away overnight alone since I was pregnant with Sydney. AHHHHHHH!!! Peace and quiet - tranquility. Memories are flashing and spreading a smile across my face. Brad and I sat on the beach that first day and really connected...it was a little bit of paradise. He made a statement that day that will forever bring joy and thankfulness to my heart and tears to my eyes...Out in the gulf jumping over the waves, he said, "You know...six kids isn't really a lot...now eight that's a lot." This strong and handsome and wonderful man affirmed God's plans for our family and it brought this mother's heart great peace and contentment.

Growing up, I was under the impression that men didn't really love their children - they were a burden - and women who had lots of children were placing a large load on the shoulders of their men. Men did their duty, but it certainly wasn't out of love. That lie has been a hard one to overcome. That lie had colored my view of God for many years. Praise the Lord for His Truth that liberates.

Brad loves me and Brad loves - I mean LOVES - his children. What a blessing!

Brad got burned that first day at the beach...it was my fault...really...I didn't rub in the spray on sunscreen...Our time together was still memorable!

Bo - Robert Bradley - was born Januray 6, 2007...He was like a freight-train. For real...You think I am kidding...(I am chuckling at Carrie's statement about the blow-torch...what we woman go through - and by choice, mind you!) Whew! Natural delivery is my preference and obviously there is much pain involved, but he took the cake. The memories of his delivery haunted me for several weeks. Even now as I think about it I am getting nervous of the labor and delivery I have to go through with this sweet little girl.

Telling the whole story of how this latest pregnancy came about could be a bit emabarrassing so I will spare you that...some have heard and it gets a hardy laugh...I got pregnant around the first week of June 2007...the line was faint, but again...there it was. This time we literally didn't tell anyone (Okay, I did tell Carrie...) about this baby until I was busting at the seams. We just let people figure it out...

I can't tell you how many comments we get..."Do you know what causes that?" "No, really I don't - what - what causes that?" "Are you going to have more?" "Well... let me see when my husband and I figure that out we'll call you." "I didn't know you converted to Catholism." "Okay, I have no good come back for that one." "Trying to fill up that van aren't you?" (We bought a 15 passenger van in April of 2005 and LOVE IT!!!) "Yes, what a plausible reason to bring life into this world." No one means any harm by the comments they make...I know that, but it still gets old.

Push comes to shove...in the end...God is Sovereign over ALL things - even the womb. That's a hard one to grasp - not sure I have really grasped it yet. At this point I am asking, "Please Lord...please let this be the last one...but You know better than I." Why would I deny Him blessing me. I recently read (I think I read it at a quiverfull web-site.)...something to the effect...Children - the Bible calls them a blessing, yet we (our culture) run from it...Debt - the Bible calls it a curse, yet we (our culture) sign up for it. Profound...really...when you stop to ponder it...Children are a blessing.

So for now we are all squeezed into the 3bd/2ba "shoe" anticipating the arrival of this most recent blessing. It's the life God has called us to and for the most part we love it...

That's a little bit of how this shoe came to be so full - its' taken several days of posting to get it all out, but at last how we began has come to an end...thanks for letting me share with you...now that I have you all caught up I can post a little more in depth about the daily going's on in and around our "shoe," and just how this "old woman" manages.

Back to the Beginning

2007-12-29T09:30:00.000-06:00

Before I get back to where I orginally left off...Brad and I chowing down on some Papa John's just after Riley was born...I need to share with you all something that gave pause for much consideration yesterday. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, is a daily devotional I like to read. Some days it doesn't happen, but on the days it does I am all the better for it. Yesterday was December 28...so I open my devo to Dec 28. Matthew 18 was the first thing I saw. Our Sunday school has just finished a study on the book of Matthew and I studied the book last year in CBS, so seeing Matthew 18 didn't excite me. To be honest I let out a sigh of disappointment - a heavy sigh. Almost as if I were saying...blah..., blah, blah..., blah, blah. My eyes quickly darted to the page on the left...Jeremiah 4:1..."If thou wilt return, O Israel, saith the Lord..." The title for the devo...this will make you laugh in light of what I have shared with you over the past couple of days...Where the Battle's Lost and Won. HA!

Chambers writes, "The battle is lost or won in the secret places of the will before God, never first in the external world. The Spirit of God apprehends me and I am obliged to get alone with God and fight the battle out before Him. Until this is done, I lose every time." The battle was raging and this Scripture along with devo cemented the fact that I needed to "get away" and have some quiet time. If you don't have a copy of this little devotional I highly recommend it. You can also read it on-line at www.myutmost.org .

Riley was to be my forever baby. Whew...the mold was broken with him. For those of you who know Riley...you know what I mean. Somewhere between James and Riley, the Lord convicted my heart of allowing Him to be in control of EVERY area of my life...and as you may have guessed...this did indeed include family size. Birth control...as I listened to that phrase play over and over in my mind I kept thinking..."What am I trying to control? Do I not trust God with and in everything?" Personal conviction - folks. Several years ago a friend in my Bible study class said, "Don't let your conviction become someone else's condemnation." Wise words...W-I-S-E...God convicted MY heart about this. Brad and I never really talked about it or discussed the matter at any length, we just let happen what was planned to happen.

So how did the desicion come about to have my tubes tied you ask...it wasn't my decision...but I was willing...but then when I heard that I couldn't eat and that the procedure would leave me feeling bloated and gassy...I was like...ummm, I think I'll pass. Sore subject for discussion around my house...really...so I offered up to him that he could have a vasectomy if he wanted to but I just couldn't do something that I felt so strongly against. Vasectomy...what man likes to hear those words...he wasn't too keen on that idea. Needless to say, God has taken care of the matter and we have learned to trust more and more.

Riley was a delighful baby - always a smile on his face...and those bright blue eyes...they sparkled with joy tinged with a little mischief. LOVE HIM! When he was about a year old my heart began to ache again for a fifth baby. Call me crazy, but I longed for another baby to hold and nurse. My best friend, Carrie...(Hey, Carrie!)found out she was pregnant with her fifth during the holidays or maybe it was right after the new year (2004). I actually went to the store and bought the test for her. I will never forget that day! Love, love, love a positive pregnancy test. :) It is life - God's gift. My heart so jumps for joy when I hear news of pregnancy.

To be honest I was a little jealous. Just after our Spring Tres Dias...(I'll have to post about Tres Dias.) I found out I was pregnant. The line was so faint I could barely make it out, but there it was...and I was dancing for joy! Normally we wait for as many weeks as we can to tell our news, but not this time. I told right away.

James kept telling me that he thought I was going to have two babies. "Two babies, Mama!" An ultrasound would answer that for me, so I scheduled an ultraound. Fully developing baby, just no heartbeat (May 5). A repeat ultrasound a few days later confirmed that the baby's heart had stopped beating - probably the very same day I went in for the first ultrasound. Why? Why was this happening to me? Oh, doctors will tell you it is natures way of taking care of genetic problems...malarky...God allows certain things to happen to certain people not only to draw them closer to His heart, but to give them expreiences that will better help them relate to others as means of reaching them for Him. Those who have suffered loss are better able to comfort those who are grieving. Those who have fallen are better able to come alongside someone who is stumbling. You get what I mean...God has His purposes and it amazes me that He chooses to use us to accomplish many of them.

May 17, 2004, I think it was a Monday night, around 7:00pm I took a couple of steps out the sunroom door and baby Rose passed out of my body. Earlier that afternoon the pain started. Fear and a little panic mixed with a myriad of other emotions set in. It was finally happening. Many mornings after the news of impending miscarriage I would wake only to fall to the floor begging and pleading for this life of this baby to be restored. My faith was strong - I have heard of even greater things done by the Lord, but God had even greater plans in store for me. My mother's heart had questioned..."Do I really love...am I really capable of loving my children - even the ones I have never seen or heald?" Never have I experienced such strong emotion - one of the many things I learned through this is that I am capable of loving immensely.

That summer the darkness began to settle over me. Was I going to break? Would this be how it would all come down? My mother has suffered from mental illness most of ther adult life and I have lived under that shadow for nearly as long. Something seemed broken - irrepairable - undone.

Late June 2004...another positive pregnancy test...are you kidding me...Is this some warped and twisted joke. I never, never, never wanted to be pregnant again. Never wanted to risk that loss again. Anger...God had His work cut out...I couldn't make sense out of anything I had studied or learned or claimed to know. Isn't that where God gives His greatest revelation? Recounting these events, I am again confounded by God's goodness and pursuing love. What can He reveal if we think we already know it all? ...don't bother God, I've got this...next lesson please..as if He were some hard school master thumping His ruler in His hand as He patrols the classroom. God is not a school master, but a Father who delights in training and teaching and revealing Himself to His children.

By mid-fall Brad and I were able to talk about this new baby. Sara Joy (Our princess who brings much joy) was born March 17, 2005. The transition was a little rough. I had trouble nursing and seemed stressed out ALL THE TIME! But, she was our joy. Although she cried and cried and cried the first few months of her life, her emerging personality labeled her quiet and observing and sweet...sweet as honey. I hear more than anything..."she is so quiet and sweet."

Duty calls...I have 4 little people needing my attention...so I must go for now. We'll begin again later today or tomorrow.

Light Dispells Darkness

2007-12-28T19:50:00.000-06:00

John wrote, "...God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all...If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin." (1 John 1:5,7)

Light dispells darkness. Darkness seeks to distort and destroy. Light brings exposure and healing. Light brings life. In CBS (Community Bible Study) I have been studying through the book of Revelation. More than anything I am learning that God is Sovereign.

Sovereign. That word rings through my mind and takes me back to the first Sunday school class that Brad and I were involved in. Phil, our teacher, asked something to the effect..."What are some of God's characteristics?" "Sovereign." I don't remember anyone else's answer but that one. Over the years I have come to know God as many things: Faithful, True, Trustworthy, Powerful, Gracious, Merciful, but His Sovereignty had not captured me as it has until this study of the end of the ages.

The kids have a CD of Scripture put to music. One of the songs is a Psalm...I cannot remember at the moment which one...watch me though...by the end of this post I will have had to pause and take a detour to find out exactly where it is...can't help it...that's just the way God made me. (My Mom calls it the "need to know.")
Anyhoo...It goes something like this..."The eyes of the Lord are in everyplace keeping watch on the evil and the good." When I first heard it I was like "What???" What does it mean that the Lord is keeping watch over the evil and the good? Sovereignty. That's what it means. He is sovereign over all things. Yes, even the bad things. Ever read Job? Or what about Joseph's statement in Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." God dispells darkness with His light and uses even the darkness for His ultimate purposes.

Revelation 12...battle for power...good versus evil...light versus darkness...and the darkness was not strong enough and was hurled down. Thought provoking questions really get me going. Several struck me today in this study of Revelation 12:1-9 right where and when I needed them. Who is the dragon in chapter 12? What was his agenda? Why? What is his agenda in heaven? On earth? All answers can be found in this one chapter as well as many other places in Scripture. It wasn't anything I hadn't studied before. It was the timing - the appropriateness - the Holy Reminder of Truth.

The next set of questions turned to the Provision made for us. HOw has God provided for ur defense in our battle agaisnt satan? Oft times I "feel" unguarded, exposed, weak and vulnerable, yet Scripture assures me that I am secure in Christ. My study turned to a couple of passages in John 15-17 - excellent stuff! Liberating stuff! We have been left the Holy Spirit to teach us and remind us of the TRUTH. His Word is Truth and Jesus has prayed that we will be santified by this Word, this Truth, Himself. He alone is our protection. This last question packed the punch and brought all the madness to an end. What role does consistent Bible study play in this battle - spiritual warfare? My answer...chuckling to myself at God's goodness and timing I wrote...How appropriate that I read and study this today. Yesterday was one of the worst days in a long-long time. I have neglected God's word and fell victim to the enemies lies.

God in His goodness used whatever means necessary to bring my focus back towards Him. Was it part of His plan that I fall apart and loose all senses and self control and behave like a raving lunatic? Doubt it, but did He use it to accomplish His purposes? You bet! He is so good it confounds me.

LIGHT DISPELLS DARKNESS. I remember the words D Sunda spoke so authoritativly to me..."Jami, you have not been left orphaned...you are not an orphan...Jesus promised to never leave you...He is with you...you have not been left alone." WHAAAAAH~ That's my little victory chant...I think of Napolean Dynomite when he is tasting the milk at some 4-H challenge thingy....He guesses right and responds confidently..."Yesssssssss."

God shines His light and the darkness evaporates.

BTW...it wasn't a Psalm...remember...the song I was writing you about...the kids song...back up in the 4th paragraph...it is Proverbs 15:3.
You may also be wondering...whatever happened with Brad? I can't figure out how to say I am sorry. Sorry is one of those words that we way over-use. Yes, I am sorry, but at the same time the emotions that fueled the fire are still floating around inside. Sorry doesn't seem to bring resolution or finality or closure. Sorry acknowledges wrong-doing and can, with the right attitude of heart, usher in humility and brokeness, but usually sorry at our house brings an end to discussion without any conclusions drawn. (I am laughing to myself as a scene from Seinfled replays in my mind..."No soup for you...NEXT!") (I see all you closet Seinfeld re-run watchers reading this...your laughing, too!) How easily I digress - God is gracious to give a little comic relief!

So, yes, I am sorry, but for the moment I can't seem to find the words or actions to express that sorrow. The Holy Reminder comes and whipsers to me..."If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..." Fellowship...if I am walking in His light then my actions will lead to restoration of fellowship between Brad and I. Back to beginnings is next...I know I've been promising it for a couple of days...but this time I'm for real...really...

Darkness Falls on the Shoe

2007-12-27T14:24:00.000-06:00

I share in the description of this blog, The Old Lady in the Shoe, that the purpose of this blog is to share about our family...happy times, sad times, and everything in between. Well, this post is a dark time...Reality check...it happens...have you ever had a dark day? Have you ever had thoughts that ran contrary to everything you know and believe and cling to? Today was one of those days for me. I share not to air dirty laundry, but to be real.

I woke up this morning knowing that it was going to be a bad day. Gloomy weather makes me want to pull the covers far, far over my head so that I can hide from myself. No one really wants to feel bad - no one really wants to give into those bad feelings - no one really wants to be dominated by emotion. It just happens. (Not really...but saying that seems to justify it somehow.) Unguarded and seemingly ignorant (yet knowing full well because it has happened so many times before), I caved into those monstrous self indulgent complaints; I want more...I deserve better...I am so discontent...nothing ever goes my way...no one appreciates me...I am worthless...always have been, always will be. One lie after another pounded my brain. I was left with a splitting headache and an image of a dark and decreped bitter nag of a hag taunting me, accusing me; "You are such a complainer you old woman...all you do is complain, complain, complain. Nothing is never good enough for you...can't you just be content with what you have, but no, you have to have it your way..."

What about your quiet time with the Lord you ask. ...what is that? Where has my desire to be with Him gone? Over the past few weeks my time spent in fellowship with Jesus has been little. Yet, I know in my heart that He is my life. The Scripture says that the one joined to the Lord is one is spirit with Him...my life is hid with God in Christ...I am an overcomer...I am secure in Him. I know this deep in my heart, but all disciplines of the Christian life have flown out the window. And, I can feel the reprocussions. I sense a dryness...a longing...yet I am refusing to get away by myself and pour it all out to Him. Darkness is falling today and I am allowing it to form a blanket over me. Is that wrong? Is that okay? I don't know....I don't know.

My Granny used to talk about "losing her religion." She would be upset about something and recounting the event tell me, "Jami, I just lost my religion." Even as I type thinking about her making such a statement causes me to chuckle a bit. My Granny is the sweetest, tenderest, most loving person I know. The thought of her "losing her religion" (i.e. getting angry or out of control)seems down-right impossible.

I lost my religion this morning. Dark thoughts, dark actions. My throat hurts from the screaming. Mind bombarded with instant replays of the scenes of total loss of control. My head is still aching and it's almost three o'clock in the afternoon. Where does it come from? How could such anger flame up. Thank God the kids were outside...curse the thought of them seeing me so given in to the darkness. Curse it! Seeing the darkeness makes me feel so ugly. I couldn't even bare to look at myself in the mirror.

Brad can't handle it...he'll push the buttons then run like mad leaving me in peices after the explosion. We lack the ability to effectively communicate. You want to know what I let loose over? I didn't know what his plans were in regards to selling our house. We had talked about and agreed that we would put our house on the market the first week or so of January. Celebrate Alabama, a large commercial development, is being built right in our backyard. We talked briefly about trying to sell to this company or another business that may want to capatilize off the development. Desperate to get out of this house (3bd/2ba with 6 children, a husband, and large hairy dog), anytime talk of doing something different comes up I immediately jump the gun and say to myself, "This is it...we're getting out." Dissappoinment always follows. Men just don't understand how important a cheerful, tidy, well-lit home is to women - especially those who are home 26 hours a day. There are days when I feel I will go stark raving mad in this home that feels more like a dungeon. Then I ask myself the question..."Is it just me?" "Is there something about me that is lacking or ungrateful or unreasonable?" Then I remind myself that none of it really matters in the long run...we have a place to live and that is what matters. In light of eternity, our time here is so short and to focus so much on material possessions is shallow.

I digress...back to what actually happened. Jami - "Can we talk?" Brad - "About what?" Jami - "Can we talk about something without you getting upset with me?" (Usually when we "talk" it's me telling him what I am not happy about and it usually has to do with him.) Brad - "What do you want to talk about?" Jami - "House plans." Brad - "There's nothing to discuss. It is basically up to what you like." Jami - "No, not actual house plans, but plans to sell the house." Brad - "Well, I guess I need to go by the bank and see what the possibilities are." Jami - "Could you go ahead and do that?" (He told me he needed to do that several weeks ago. When I ask him about stuff he tells me he needs to to or stuff I have asked him to do the response is usually - "I haven't had time." Yet...there is time for... I don't even use that excuse anymore - I can make the time for what is important to me or important to him.) Brad - "I was going to wait - most people aren't working due to the holidays." Jami - "Sure people are working...people in your line of business (Landscaping) may not be due to the holidays, but professionals don't have the choice of working or not." Brad - "Most people take vacation during this time - I was going to wait until after the new year when things settle down." By this point I am FUMING!!!!!!! Yet, remarkably under control - sweet voice and everyting. Bottom line...my agenda was not his agenda and I was mad about that. I feel like he misses opportunties to show me he loves me, because what is important to me just really ain't all that important to him...Do you know what I mean? Have you ever felt like that? Almost jilted...unimportant.

Just a few more verbal exchanges and before I knew it I was screaming and throwing Christmas cards and kicking storage boxes for the Christmas tree. Anger was pulsating and I felt completely out of control. I was - it wasn't just a feeling. Where does the darkness come from? And so quickly...raveging darkness...after it was all over I felt weak, physically unstable, quiet, ruined. I couldn't even cry. Shame. The kids came in a few minutes after Brad left and I could barely speak above a whisper. Run away...just run away...Lord, please help me. I don't understand. Why...I need You so desperately.

Cleaning is a stress-reliever. I got the kids to help me and we cleaned the house very, very peacefully. As I worked, the anger dissipated and sadness set in. Self-pity is the most feirce tool of the enemy. My children bring me back to reality...I have everything I need. I have been blessed beyond belief. Children themselves are reality checks. Self - pity, selfishness, self-indulgnece...no room for that here. There are little people to take care of...work to be done...movies to be watched...games to be played. Praise the Lord for the little people whose laughter fills the rooms of this "shoe."

Just now I kissed the fore-head of a 2-year-old who thinks she looks like Hannah Montana..."Mama, I wook wike Hannah Monnana don't I, Mama?" How can I stay locked up within myself when I have these precious little ones who need me so much? Journaling today's events has helped ease the discomfort of mind.

The darkness begins to lift, tomorrow will be another day, and I will eventually get to share the rest of the beginnings of our family.

Christmas Day

2007-12-25T14:47:00.000-06:00

Let's see...where was I? Pizza...More of that story in a moment. I woke up this morning to the little cry of a little man with cold feet. Bo cried out at 10 til 6 this morning. I knew he wasn't hungry and he wasn't wet, so I brought him into our bed in hopes of getting a few more minutes of shut eye before the Christmas morning blitz began. We tussled for about 15 mintues then he got really still and began snoring. My eyes were heavy. I dozed back off. Brad and I were up until mid-night last night getting everything ready for this morning.
We watched The Nativity Story as a family last night. Faith, Mary had some faith. Joseph has some faith. WOW! We had seen the movied before, but in light of the season watching the story gave pause to really consider the words spoken to both Mary and Joseph and their reactions. God's plans - think about that one for a moment... God become flesh...I can't even get my mind around that. God become flesh...oh, the great, great love of Jesus...the great, great love of the Father. Sometimes I bask in it - other times I miss it all together. The love of God - a great mystery.
Pitter-patter and tiny voices were heard sometime between 7 and 7:30am. Straining to listen, a smile spread across my face as I overheard my wild bunch talking excitedly about their "Santa" gifts.
(We don't celebrate Santa at our house - they all know that St. Nickolas was a very generous man of long ago - but just ask Riley about Santa and he'll tell you quite frankly...Santa is dead. I have, however, warned them to keep this little detail about Santa to themselves...in essence...don't spoil it for others. It doesn't minimize the excitment of Christmas morning for them at all. More so I think our experience of the season is enhanced. Sure, they are kids and they love the gift aspect of this time of year, but the focus is kept on Christ and the real reason why we give and receive gifts.)
Okay...that was a long parenthetical statement...
Back to the excited crew checking out their new "stuff." Blessed was my heart as I heard..."that's really cool"..."wow, just what I wanted"..."that one is yours"..."check it out." Rejoicing...they were rejoicing with one another about the gifts they had been given. No..."hey, that's not fair"..."I don't like that"..."why didn't I get one of those." We have had one of the most delightful Christmas days that I can remember.
It cracks me up...Riley LOVES, I mean LOVES SpongeBob. All he asked for for Christmas was a SpongeBob umbrella and hat. Yet, he wasn't even dissappointed when he opened all our gifts and the gifts from my family and there was no SpongeBob anything to be found. Imagine his suprise when Granny (Brad's mom) shows up with...can you guess it...a SpongeBob umrella, hat and gloves. He was ecstatic - elated - beside himself.
Sydney is set for the rest of her natural life with lip gloss, nail polish, eye shadow, blush, and girlie-stuff. I think her lips were actually touching the edges of both ears she was smiling so hard.
James is now #12 Brandon Cox...even though his hersey reads #34. Cool, dude!
Sara Joy's favorite was the furry talking and walking puppy and ofcourse all the Dora paraphanalia she got. She was making us all laught this morning with her exclamations and facial expressions.
Madelyn...cha-ching...the dollar signs are spinning. She was so excited for the little kids and all their toys.
Bo was just a squealing - glad to be a part of all the action.
It's moments like these when my heart says, "Thank you...thank you for all these little people who bless this family so much." All day my heart has been smiling and singing and taking it all in. I have so very much for which to be thankful!
Okay...MarioKart with Brad and the kids is calling...we'll pick back up with the pizza story another day. Celebrate all that Christ came to give you! Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Beginning to Blog

2007-12-24T16:12:00.000-06:00

Okay...I'm new at this. I love words so this may prove fun and a bit relxing for me. Who knows, we'll see. Where do I start...Let's see... a little over 34 years ago...this young, pretty sorority girl met this strong, handsome football player...and then there was me...little, tiny Jami...I am the first of three children (Neal is 3 years younger and Jenny 5 yrs younger) born to Bobby and Mark Ann Stanford. Okay, okay...that's a little too far back. Fast forward...

After graduating from high school and attending a year or so of college I had my first and sweetest child, Madelyn. I should have named her Rachel, which means...lamb of God. Although, I cannot imagine her being anything but Madelyn. Her life was a wake up call for me. God created her on purpose with much purpose. It's funny how God will use things to open our eyes and redirect our hearts towards Himself. It's funny how we will try and run and hide from the very one who gave us life and has perfect plans for every day of that life. It's funny how when once we turn to Him He makes it so plain...like...how could I have missed that for so long. Anyway...Madelyn Nicole Parsons was born December 18, 1993. She is a BLESSING!!!! Notice the capitilzation! and exclamation marks!!

In November of 1998 Brad Sims and I got married. This is when God really began to open my eyes. He was calling me to a life of surrender. You know the verse...Come unto me and I will give you rest...well that was it for me. I had known about God...read about Him...studied about Him...talked about Him...at times was on fire for Him...but I don't think I had ever understood the concept of knowing Him and coming to Him. Like Oswald Chambers writes (and I am not quoting...my memory is not that good) we will do just about anything but come. It is the coming, the relinquishing of rights, of self, that is so difficult. So I heard from the Lord...come. And the question that shot straight through my heart, "Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?" I had been living a life of self...trying to figure out who I was and why I was so unloving and unlovable.

My answer...no, I don't want to live like this forever...yes, yes, and yes, I do want to come. Why had I waited so long? Why had I been so hard of heart? I have come to believe that the Lord will allow us to make choices and suffer the consequences knowing who and when and why and how we will come to Him and He will take it all and use it for His glory - His avenues of reaching out to others - who can relate to the pious, self-righteous? Who can relate to the down-trodden selfish cynic full of mistakes and heartache?

I responded and He has been so faithful.

James, my eldest son was born July 2, 1999. He was the best...BEST baby. Like clockwork. Brad and I decided (or rather the Lord gave us both a strong desire) that I would stay home with kids and we would make it...some how, some way...He was making around $10/hour maybe a little more and did not have a degree. God always provided...still does.

In the Spring of that next year, one of our friends who happened to be a prof in Horticulture at Auburn looked at Brad at a birthday party of one of Madelyn's friends and said, "Have you ever thought of finishing school?" (Something like that...remember, my memory is not really good...) It was like the heavens parted and the light shone right on the three of us standing there. That was it. Brad enrolled in classes at AU. He graduated December 2001.

During the time he was in school we added Sydney Hope to our family. She was born March 16, 2001. I was around 6 weeks pregnant with her sitting on the floor playing a game with Madelyn when I felt something that was not right. I rushed to the bathroom...I was bleeding fairly heavily...and scared like I had never been before. I cried all the way to the doctors office. Why...I don't understand why. As I sat in the waiting room for an ultrasound to confirm what the doctor suspected - miscarriage, I said...something to the effect of...I don't understand...I don't like it...it's not fair...but God if this is what you have for me I accept it and trust that You will use it. The ultrasound showed a completely healthy and devolping little baby. The doctor said...and I do quote this...I will never forget this..."You have hope." Hence...Sydney Hope.

She is a delightful little thing.

When Sydney was a little over 6 months old...along comes another positive pregnancy test. I was ELATED! I guess I just wanted to have my hands as full as they could get. Riley was born July 12, 2002. My due date was fast approaching. I was sitting on the sofa Friday afternoon feeling sorry for myself...I am never going to have this baby...never be able to go into labor on my own. (I had been induced the last three times.) Well...I got over myself quickly and as the other kids got up from naps me and Madelyn were chasing them aroung the house. I was crawling on my hands and knees...when I got up...P-O-P...my water broke. I think I was as excited as 5 year old on Christmas morning. Then I got really nervous. We've got to get to the hospital. Brad wasn't home, so I picked up the phone and started dialing...you know those dreams you have when you are trying to make a call and your fingers can't dial the number or dial the wrong number or your phone keeps messing up...well, that's how it was. Finally, I got in touch with everyone I needed to and we were off to the hospital. The nurse at the hospital kept asking me...Are you sure it was your water that broke? Umm...yes...are you sure...Are there really people out there who so pee on themselves that they think it was their water breaking????? Her question really irritated me. My water had broken, but labor stalled out and then came to a complete halt. Started on the pit and Riley was born a little before midnight. I was scheduled to have my tubes tied...then one of the nurses told me due to the late hour and schedule of the surgery that I would not be able to eat...pizza...tubes tied...pizza...tubes tied...pizza...tubes tied. PIZZA!!!!!! Brad picked up some Papa John's and we sat all up in that hospital room and ate pizza.

I'll pick up later...the fam is calling...screaming...not really...they just need me.